September 11, 2017

random thoughts pt6.

it is a wrong decision to open up our heart to each other from the very beginning. 

if i did not talk to you regarding the incident happened, we would not end up like this. 


maybe, if we did not tell each other about our feelings honestly, we will still be close to each other. things happened, and there is no way to erase the scar you gave me. it might not be a very deep one, but it stills hurt. you once said, time heals but the scar remains and yes, it is pretty much true. time heals, i am slowly getting over the feeling i have for you but knowing that you avoided me, hurts. 

those days when you insisted to wear a matching outfit with me, those days when you would talk to me, those days when you would call me to ask if everything is okay, those days when i would always receive your good morning message. 

i heard from a friend, there is a very high chance where you will be leaving to united kingdom to further studies very soon, i was really disappointed when i heard it. i hate the fact that i heard the news from someone else but not you. remember when you used to update me your application plans or even your daily plans. but nowadays, whenever i texted you first, all i receive in return were your cold replies. do you know how much it hurts? you don't. When you told me we should stop contacting so often, i know things are changing. You told me even so, you still treasure me as a sister, as a friend, I am still important to you but do you really mean it? All i feel is, you wanted to cut contact with me, you labelled me as the annoying girl. Perhaps, i am the one who has been thinking too much. if everything goes well, you will be leaving on 20th, and that is less than 10 days yet you have not tell me anything about it.



i am afraid you will leave without letting me know in advance, if we are having a farewell for you,


how am i suppose to face you. 

August 11, 2017

hard work, paid off.

stacks of notes, stacks of books and stacks of past year papers. 



a level, of course i wouldn't say its the most difficult pre-university program as i did not experience the struggle of other programmes. however, it is obviously not easy, like it is really NOT. been through so many sleepless night worrying about exams or even small tests. surrounding myself with tons of past year papers from 2002 to 2016, forcing myself to finish at least 80% of the topical past year papers and complete by year past year papers from 2010 to 2016 in just 5 months. the A2 syllabus has become much more complex and detailed compared to AS level, everything we learnt were mostly new which made my life harder. but honestly, i truly enjoyed our syllabus especially biology, except the fact that i need to crack my head memorising those difficult terms, facts and detailed cycles.

i remember the expressions we said the most throughout our a level journey were

"is it too late to drop a level?"
"why did i join a level?"
"i am so stupid"
"lets just work in alam flora if we failed a level"
"stressssssssssssss......"
"cherrrr, how to do?"
"aHHHHHHHH, i wanna die"

yeap, that's basically our daily conversations. 



its a difficult yet beautiful journey. 
it is painful yet at the end of the journey, everyone did not regret.

we are not afraid of facing our results but we are afraid of facing disappointment. i believe everyone strive our best, did our best, went through so many late night studies, went through countless mental breakdowns or even feel like giving up at some point. knowing that i tried my best for a level, what if the results i get in the end is still a disappointment just like my mocks exam. 

fortunately, everything went well.

i was extremely worried about biology as i desire to do biological sciences for my bachelor's degree but A2 biology paper 4 was so bad, i still remember i was near to tearing up during the paper. unexpected questions, high order thinking questions, everything comes at once. i was not confident at all, but thankfully, i managed to hit the A* with 93 marks. i mean, whats make once more happy than achieving the unexpected. chemistry — being the most disliked subject that i did not want to enrol in from the beginning, i tried my best to understand in concepts and apply. chemistry is still kinda like a meh subject to me, but still i have to do my best if i am doing it. 91, A* for chemistry, it is something that i have NEVER EVER thought of since i was always sleepy in chemistry lessons, always not paying attention. i wouldn't say i am not happy with my maths, 85 with an A, but sort of disappointed and feel sorry to my maths lecturer. 

ah, and this is the first straight As in my life. i finally broke the curse of getting a B in all my important exams. (i am honestly so happy about it, not trying to boost or whatsoever so i am just really really happy for myself) 


✈            to more adventures.

August 07, 2017

nineteen.

十九岁了,就这样在这个世界上生活了十九年。

今年生日,该怎么说。嗯,不比过往热闹,收到的祝福真的寥寥无几。把面子书的生日通知功能关闭了以后,你真的会发现真心记得你的生日的人真的没有几个。当然,我也真的很感激那些记得我生日的每一个朋友家人。

谢谢你们,就算只是一句简单的生日快乐我也真的很满足了。

还有你,哈哈哈 最近不知怎么突然走得很近。说真的我偶尔真的会觉得我们的情况真的在错的时间遇见了对方。也许,我们早些认识现在也许会不一样。可是没关系,谢谢你对我坦白你的真心。我知道我们在一起还是什么的几率不高,我也知道你喜欢我可能就是那种非常暂时性的喜欢。可是你真的在我心里就忽然有了一个很重要的位置,我也不知道何时开始,你有了那么一个重要的位置。几乎每一天都会有早安晚安信息,偶尔你会打电话来跟我聊天。而,昨天我刚睡醒原本满心期待看到你的祝福怎么知道真的 no sign of bday wishes from you 哈哈。就觉得你可能纯粹想戏弄我。也觉得你可能真的不记得,又或许说你从来没有去想过要记得我的生日。其实我内心是失望的,真的。有那么刚好那天早上你给我打电话,接电话的时候以为第一句会是生日快乐,结果通话了12分钟都等不到你的一句祝福。结果朋友在 whatsapp group 祝我的时候你才知道是我的生日。你都不知道我有多失望。
可是还是谢谢你最后祝了我生日快乐,谢谢你。


完全没有跟工作的朋友提起过自己的生日所以我当然没有期望他们会知道自己的生日。可是也不知道怎么的,就真的刚好那一天我们要填写一个新的 employment form 就要写自己的身份证号码嘛,写了很久朋友也有过目了一次可是几乎没有人发现。说实话是有小小的失望了 哈哈哈哈。可是当然不会厚脸皮到去告诉他们今天是自己的生日啊。就在我要去 break 的时候突然朋友说 “今天你生日meh” 哈哈哈 我当时整个傻掉。“嗯 我生日啊”,然后突然就唱起了生日歌可是真的感谢当时猴有客人,所以没有大肆宣扬 哈哈哈 要不然我真的会尴尬掉。

谢谢经理 (?) 请了我一块花生酱巧克力蛋糕还有谢谢同事请了我一瓶一直很想喝的 apple peach juice。如果没有你们今年生日大概真的很 lonely 哈哈哈。


当然每年的生日都上不了你们,中学时期最好的朋友,现在我依然是最好的 ♡ 因为大家都在忙所以只能约在星期日,虽然是 belated 可是我依然很幸福。真的真的很特别珍惜你们这一群朋友,也许就是那种会永远永远都好好的朋友。可能没有常常联络可是心里依然记得对方的存在,然后你知道对方会一直都在。特别是 T K E 真的没有你们的话是不可能会有一个生日聚会。谢谢你们在生日当天都发给了我祝福,谢谢你们永远都那么有心,谢谢你们一直都在。感觉已经到一个用言语表达不出的珍惜和感动,就真的真很爱你们每一个。

然后我突然发现我好像没那么害怕气球了,哈哈哈 可是我还是真的很怕它突然爆炸。我大概会喊到很大声,然后觉得丢脸死了。


每一个祝福都会铭记于心。

有你们真好。

July 09, 2017

langkawi.

i would say, it was superb amazing and i realised how much i love each of you.

thank you for the memories made, sweet or bitter, it will all be treasured in my heart. i really did not expect the trip to be filled with so much laughter, but it turns out super duper amazing.  of course, i obviously did not expect all the unfortunate incidents that happened in this short period of 3 days 2 nights. one of the friends had muscle cramp (or tense?) after being thrown out of the banana boat, one of the friends had a really bad stomach ache and it turned out to be something even more serious after the check up. the outburst of anger and sincere confession after drinking too much alcohol was terrifying. sitting in a car that has an average speed of 100km/h on the curvy road definitely feels like a roller coaster ride instead. thinking about it, it was my first trip without adults but only friends.

the first day was basically a trip to the cenang beach! the beach was more mesmerising than what i had expected. i thought beaches at malaysia is pretty bad before the trip but i totally changed my opinion of it after visiting cenang. being unable to swim, i choose not to enter the deep ocean, but i did enjoy the waves by letting it splash on my legs. it had been so long since i visited a beach and it was definitely enjoyable. i love the sunshine, i love watching blue sky and blue ocean. most importantly, it was really nice to spend time with friends at a beach.

cenang beach

the second day was definitely the best day, we went to langkawi cable car, kilim geoforest park and also fun fair! the scenery when we were on the cable car was truly beautiful. honestly, i never know that malaysia have such a nice place, which makes me go "wow" when i look at it. it was so breath-taking, i highly recommend everyone to visit and feel the beauty of nature with your own heart and soul. langkawi cable car also includes, sky bridge, skytrex, skydome and 3d art museum which is worth to visit once.






visiting kilim geoforest park was a spontaneous decision after we ended our trip in the cable car place, and of course, no regrets. we went for a 2 hours boat ride which includes bat cave, crocodile cave, eagle watching, interacting with fishes (lol idk man). the boat ride was really more interesting than i expected, knowing that i couldn't swim i was wishing for at least a life jacket. well, i can still flood if i fall into the water. but they did not ask us to wear one but i somehow feel safe beside my so called brother.





that night, we went back home at maybe 12+? i couldn't really remember the exact time but it was quite late. my so called brother said i can lean on his shoulder if i am tired in the car. i am not surprised that my heart actually fluttered since no one ever tell me all these. he is such a lovely and caring guy that probably every girl would fall for. knowing that he has a girlfriend, of course, i quickly let the feeling to slip away and no i did not lean on his shoulder because i really don't want to be the bitch (omg).

we left in the afternoon the next day, and the trip ended. i would say it was a memorable one but too many bad things happened. it is a bit way too dramatic to be written here so im not going to do that.

may the friendship continues until the day our hairs turn white.


June 26, 2017

first working experience.

started working on last Tuesday and yes! it is finally my off day after a tiring week.


反正人就是一个很矛盾的生物体,在家赖着没事做的时候想要出去打工,出去做工只不过过了一个星期就想念赖在家里的日子。尤其是很累的时候真的会开始怀疑自己为什么要去打工,在家里做个大懒虫不就好了干嘛自讨苦吃。(欠揍 真的因为很缺钱所以决定去做做工,当然和我想象中有点不一样。毕竟没有经验然后又是一个陌生的环境,一开始难免会不习惯。


第一天真的完全尴尬。在不认识的人面前我很内向,往往心里有一堆篇好的话却难以启齿。然后就很尴尬地站在那里不知道该说什么,不知道该做什么。可是很庆幸第二第三天开始跟大家熟了一点就可以聊聊天什么的。现在已经不再尴尬了,所以真的真的很谢谢你们愿意接纳我。休息时间一起聊天,一起玩 snapchat,这些已经慢慢成为我想要去做工的原因了。虽然人很多的时候真的很累然后神经超紧绷的,可是也是有大大的满足感。星期六做了一整天真的感受到了full day的那种身心疲惫。小腿很酸,眼睛想闭。客人在关闭时间的前15分钟进来我们都会不约而同看着对方然后一个wtf的样子。我们都急着想要打扫回家了你们却进来用餐,完全崩溃。


怎么办,现在想到你们都在七月会开始慢慢离开,我都快不舍得了。没有了你们我怎么办,新来的员工不合拍怎么办。以后我一个人忙怎么办。