February 19, 2018

departing.

아마도..
한국유학 가기 전의 마지막 글이다.

기분이 복잡한 것 같다.

너무 기대되지만
걱정도 되게네.

유학생활이 어떻게 되는지 매우 궁금하다.


看着离开的那一天越来越近了,嗯,真的开始担心看是害怕。甚至在某个瞬间觉得是不是不去了,觉得只是自己一直以来固执的梦想。原以为顺利入学了就会有方向感,可是我偶尔觉得好像突然遗失了方向。最终做的这个选择,到底是不是对的。至今还是会有时不时的彷徨犹豫。我不知道该说自己长大了,想得更远,还是说长大了,不再只看到眼前的快乐还在脑海里想多了很多“如果”、“万一”。到底是变得更成熟,会为未来顾虑,还是变得越来越胆小,常常都担心这个担心那个。虽然说船到桥头自然直,可是,万一我找不到桥呢。其实心情很复杂只是我从来都不把他表现出来,我很期待,可是也很害怕。别人都觉得我真的很开心因为这是我一直以来的梦,可是心里却有一堆只有自己知道的焦虑。从来都不是一个矫情的人,尤其是对家人。想要表现得坚强,希望他们别担心。也就快二十岁了,离开家也没什么好怕的吧,可是对于一个从来没有一个人在外地生存的我而言,其实还蛮可怕的。自己做的决定就真的不要再怀疑了,现在反悔大概也来不及了吧。机票买了,酒店定了,deposit也交了,要公证的资料也东奔西跑地做了,行李也整理好了,全都准备好了,就只有我还没准备好。

说实在,以前真的没想过自己会有那么多的担心,那时候只担心不能去留学。现在可以了,反而担心得不想去了。

反复不定。



偶尔又觉得,终于实现了这个不太平凡的梦。

可以在自己喜欢的国度,读着自己喜欢的课程,多好。虽然没有熟悉的朋友没有家人的温暖可是我相信在哪里,可以找到跟自己合拍的第二个家庭。认识不同的人,去氛围很棒的咖啡馆,体会不同的季节,看不同的风景,多么难得。

相信把东西搞好,安顿下来了心里就会安稳一些。

其实也很感谢啦,一开始爸爸不太同意去那里留学因为都要读韩文,也许会很辛苦。可是最后被一间英文教学的科技学校录取真的很开心。



相信在哪里我也可以慢慢发觉那第五城市的美丽奥妙。

希望,
一切顺利,留学快乐。

December 31, 2017

adiós.

Time flies...


Flipping through my 2017 journal really brings up uncountable memories that were deeply buried in my brain. I remember them at the back of my head, but rarely recall. That’s probably the best part of having a journal where I could pour my heart and soul without worrying judgement from anyone. 2017, has been a great year. Of course, there were sorrow and pain, there were struggle and despair, but there were also happiness and smiles, there were hopes and love. I cherished all the memories made in this year no matter sweet or bitter. The path I had walked this year may not be as adventurous, as interesting as anyone of you out there, but I have no regrets. Achievements were done, and I gained a lot from new friends to new experiences. The first half of this year was basically stuck in a-level, struggling to study and achieve for advanced level examinations. Constant midnight studies with earphones stuck in my ears with the accompany of soothing piano music or k-indies. Did stacks of past year papers from by topics to by years, it has been really hard but worth it. Trying to get all the biological mechanisms, the long ass biological terms like cystic fibrosis transmembrane conductance regulator, theories behind physical chemistry and memorizing the outcome and environment needed for organic chemistry in my head. Solving tons of mathematics questions and trying to solve mechanics questions by relating them to physics. A-level journey was stressful but thankfully, I met the group of friends who constantly motivate and encourage each others. We had fun together, we laughed and fool around during lectures, but we too, helped each other whenever we have questions about the syllabus. Truly glad to have them, a group of angels who are selfless. Lectures that I met were inspiring as well. They guided us one by one, willing to listen to us and help us in different ways, encourages us to ask without hesitating even if it is a question that doesn’t make sense. Specially thanks to my mentor who helped me throughout my university application progress, applying to a country that is totally uncommon, he encouraged me to chase my own dream. It was great to meet someone like him, no judgement, but encouragement. 18 months in college were memorable, thank you everyone. 


In my last birthday as a “teen”, I made two wishes and both of them came true. Achieved well in my a-levels, and being accepted to the university of my dream. Nothing feels better than working hard and eventually leading to success. It may not sound as significant to others, but to me, it was a dream comes true. Having the dream to study aboard in the kimchi nation as a regular undergraduate student since i was fifteen(?), and I worked hard for 4 years to get myself qualified to apply and finally accepted by several universities. Leaving the place that I was born in a few months, exciting yet thrilling. Mentally preparing myself for a new adventure in a new place, meeting new people from all around the world, eating the delicious local foods and experiencing the four seasons. Wrapping myself in thick clothing in the winter, watching the flower blossom in the spring, enjoying the sunshine in the summer and watching the leaves changes it’s colour in the autumn. There’s so many little things to look forward, and I am thankful that I am given the chance. 


Going on trips with family and friends were part of the beautiful memories made. From local to  overseas, all the roads that i have walked on were beautiful. Traveling around langkawi island with my group of a-level friends, visiting my sister who’re studying in taiwan, took a flight from taiwan to okinawa and going on a date with mummy in hongkong. Getting my disneyland bucket list checked in hongkong as well! Well, as the saying goes, one is never too old for disney! I’m looking forward for more theme park trip with friends in the future, might be the timid girl who are afraid of roller coasters, but I always force myself to at least go on a ride and it turns out really fun! (tho i screamed my lungs out all the time)


Ah yes! Also took the test of proficiency in korean this year, well the result was unexpectedly much better! 4 marks to the highest level is probably my biggest regret, if I did slightly better in writing, if I did more practices, if I get a few questions correctly, I’ll probably be achieving level 6. But oh well, it’s alright! Let’s try again in the near future for level 6! I’m currently just hoping to survive with my current korean speaking skills. As I have stopped my korean language lessons, I basically did not do any revision (im such a lazy bum), so I joined some language apps to communicate with the locals. Meeting the local koreans to learn better korean, and I have met a few of them who have been really helpful. I lost contact with some of them, but also kept contact with a few. The unbelievable miracle was I actually met a senior from the university that I am going to attend. That was also before I was accepted, totally unexpected. However, I am really glad that I actually met him, at least, worst scenario, I can still seek from help from him if I encounter any hardships when I just admit to the university. 


2017, well yes still single. Although people around me has been getting a partner, but yes I am still in the single and happy mood. I have obviously come to the point where let the love find me instead of the other way around, if it’s meant to happen, it will. Let’s just move on and live life to the fullest. Of course, I am really happy for those bbys who are in a relationship. I feel very happy when I listen to the adorable yet clingy love stories, I feel happy that you guys have a shoulder to lean on. Oh and in 2017, I had my first paid job, working as a service crew in a cafe. It have been almost 6 months, and I am still serving there. From zero basic to almost the most important person after the boss and manager, I gained a lot and learnt a lot of experiences that were never thought in schools. Without forgetting, I learnt a lot on coffees, I learned to drink latte to black coffee, then tried cold brew, cold drip and hand drip coffee. I always thought coffee is bitter, but nope, each kind of beans have their unique sweetness and acidity of different kinds. Being the junior when I first joined until becoming the oldest senior right now, I learnt on how to guide new colleagues and train them to be better. Glad I made a few friends over here, although most of them had quit for schools but we are still in contact from time to time. Meeting different people from various circles were truly eye opening. As I grew up in a pretty nerdy circle where studies are always the priorities, I do not know much about those who have no interest in studying. Well, as I picked up the job, I met people who quit middle school and enter the working society. Having a close relationship with the manager also allowed me to seek for advices from her, we enjoyed talking about travel and we happen to have a lot of commons which brought us closer to heart. She’s so willing to share her experiences with me which I really appreciate. I love listening to others and learn from their past, it always gave me courage to be better day by day. Of course, work meals had been either really good or just, horrifying. Sometimes we had chicken chops, bak kut teh or even salmon! There were times where we kept having baked beans and sardine, which turnt into my biggest nightmare now. 


On the last day of 2017, as usual, I went to work. However, there was something different. We had an reservation on an event for welfare children. I would say it was a great experience as at the end, I see differences between the foster children and ordinary children who are taken care by their parents. Foster children appreciates what they are given, they say thank you, they helped us when we cleared the plates, they are very polite and finished their food with minimal wastage. On the other hand, it was really saddening to see those who wasted their food, from children to adults. Chicken chops that were only finished half, salads and mashed potato are being wasted, and tissues are being shattered around the floor. Is this really how you educate your children? Well, it is just disappointing to see the situation. Honestly, I really wish to volunteer in a foster house to just simply chit chat and share my stories with the children, they have the purest heart. They smiled so brightly with only a simply "happy new year". They deserve more love than anyone of us, honestly. 

Promise myself to be a better being in 2018. 
Always remember to, love yourself.

December 11, 2017

dream, comes true.

好像是一個從15歲開始的夢想吧,而自從有了這個夢就常常把它掛在嘴邊,掛在心裡。為了讓夢想變成現實,做了很多付出。也許在別人眼中那些付出不值多少可是就是這些一點一滴的付出讓我走到了目的地。

而,我付出的努力,也帶給了我幸運。


越努力,越幸运。」


熬過了多少個夜,只為了把那幾個小課題記住。
為突然迷失方向而崩溃了多少次。
曾經覺得,算了,可能自己就是沒有出國留學的運氣。
也試過懷疑自己的堅持到底是不是對的。

可是現在,我很感激自己的堅持不懈,
即使身邊的人都覺得我只是在任性。


好像是昨天的事,我嚷嚷说我要去韩国留学。幻想著實現的那一天,現在真的離夢想更近一步了,而我,也開始有了一些沒想過自己會有的的感覺和感受。那天,查了入學成績。成功被錄取了,當下的心情真的就整個被開心籠罩然後因為在工作真的不能好好讀一遍錄取的郵件。放工了,回到家,開心興奮突然消失了,留下的是擔心和不捨。一個人在外,我真的會過得幸福嗎。那爸爸媽媽婆婆在家裡真的可以嗎。回到了房間,突然就覺得自己就快離開這熟悉的床鋪還有熟悉的味道了。以後還跟別人一起生活,我應付得來嗎。心裡不禁有了這些顧慮和擔憂,怎麼之前都沒想到這些。只是盲目地想去留學,都還沒離開就開始想念了。我何時變成那麼感性,我真的不知道。我只知道,要離開了,我也漸漸不捨了。电话了也设置了倒数,少过100天,我就真的要离开熟悉的城市,去到梦想的国度。虽然不是首尔,可是现在离开首尔只剩下4小时的车程,离开釜山1小时的车程。

我还不能正真体会到说为梦想成真的感觉,我还在等待大学正式寄给我入学证书,我还在等待买单程机票,我还在等待很多很多的事情。生活看似一如往常,可是心里的感受却慢慢地在改变。偶尔跟家人吃饭,跟朋友见面,都觉得是时候好好珍惜了。下一次见面,下一次聚在一起,不知道是多久以后。只想说,谢谢你们。当然,你们会是我最不舍的一群人,跟我一起度过了青春,一起打拼了好多场考试,一起哭过笑过。真的还没有通知所有该通知的人,可是我会慢慢地让你们知道。不会不告而别,虽然真的有这样的念头


在各方面都需要做准备,从买行李箱到买琐碎小东西,都需要慢慢去完成。本来是真的想要在12月尾停止做工,可是不可能会被批准所有就说做到1月中就好了。怎知道刚说了这一句,得到的第一个回应就是“你可以做到1月尾吗?”其实听起来真的觉得像一个命令,当下真的有少许的不爽吧。就觉得,难道我真的不能为我自己着想那么一次吗。好像是考完试不久就开始打工直到现在,正真休息的时间没多少。难道我的要求很过分吗,迟两个星期离开也只是可以帮多几天而已,我离开是迟早要面对的事情。就这么一次,我不想再迁就别人然后委屈自己,我真的厌倦了。真的累了。只不过是想花点时间多在家里呆着,多和家人一起吃饭然后跟朋友见面。除了工作,我也有我自己的生活。我只能说你真的不应该强迫我留下来,对不起,在我离开之前,工作不是我的首选。




别怕,
一切都会好好的。

October 23, 2017

topik II ?

“망했네...”
考完了韩语能力测试后的第一个心里os


好吧,这次真的只能怪自己不够努力。因为工作关系,星期一到星期六最多也只能一天一个小时马马虎虎地做一些练习题。休息天的时候也常因为有其他事情而耽误了复习时间。真的没有抱着太大的期望,可是我真的感觉对自己很失望。感觉真的可以做得更好,尤其是作文的部分。大概就是乱写了几千个字,然后自己写了什么都不知道的那种节奏。50分钟里面要写两篇,而平时也没什么在练习,所以更负担了。在规定的时间里紧凑的写完,可是我真的觉得自己乱写了一通。作文主题也真的太出乎意料了,就算以中文还是英文写一样的主题,我可能可写不出 所以,更何况用韩文。listening也真的不太有把握,感觉get不到的太多了。reading是我原本寄望希望的地方,希望可以用reading把平均提高,可是,我又死到很惨了。感觉自己不懂得生字真的太多了,很多明明找过意思可是真的没有记在脑海了。然后,因为reading都有长长的文章,自己也必须读大概两遍才真的比较明白。看着时间一点一点的流逝,心里也越老越紧张结果就开始读来读去读不懂。


我怎么办啦。

真的只祈求自己可以至少拿个第三级回来就好了。

자기가 부족한 게 너무 많아서 
앞날에 많이 공부하고 연습을 할게
   
더 더 더 열심히 하면 잘 될거죠?

September 11, 2017

random thoughts pt6.

it is a wrong decision to open up our heart to each other from the very beginning. 

if i did not talk to you regarding the incident happened, we would not end up like this. 


maybe, if we did not tell each other about our feelings honestly, we will still be close to each other. things happened, and there is no way to erase the scar you gave me. it might not be a very deep one, but it stills hurt. you once said, time heals but the scar remains and yes, it is pretty much true. time heals, i am slowly getting over the feeling i have for you but knowing that you avoided me, hurts. 

those days when you insisted to wear a matching outfit with me, those days when you would talk to me, those days when you would call me to ask if everything is okay, those days when i would always receive your good morning message. 

i heard from a friend, there is a very high chance where you will be leaving to united kingdom to further studies very soon, i was really disappointed when i heard it. i hate the fact that i heard the news from someone else but not you. remember when you used to update me your application plans or even your daily plans. but nowadays, whenever i texted you first, all i receive in return were your cold replies. do you know how much it hurts? you don't. When you told me we should stop contacting so often, i know things are changing. You told me even so, you still treasure me as a sister, as a friend, I am still important to you but do you really mean it? All i feel is, you wanted to cut contact with me, you labelled me as the annoying girl. Perhaps, i am the one who has been thinking too much. if everything goes well, you will be leaving on 20th, and that is less than 10 days yet you have not tell me anything about it.



i am afraid you will leave without letting me know in advance, if we are having a farewell for you,


how am i suppose to face you. 

August 11, 2017

hard work, paid off.

stacks of notes, stacks of books and stacks of past year papers. 



a level, of course i wouldn't say its the most difficult pre-university program as i did not experience the struggle of other programmes. however, it is obviously not easy, like it is really NOT. been through so many sleepless night worrying about exams or even small tests. surrounding myself with tons of past year papers from 2002 to 2016, forcing myself to finish at least 80% of the topical past year papers and complete by year past year papers from 2010 to 2016 in just 5 months. the A2 syllabus has become much more complex and detailed compared to AS level, everything we learnt were mostly new which made my life harder. but honestly, i truly enjoyed our syllabus especially biology, except the fact that i need to crack my head memorising those difficult terms, facts and detailed cycles.

i remember the expressions we said the most throughout our a level journey were

"is it too late to drop a level?"
"why did i join a level?"
"i am so stupid"
"lets just work in alam flora if we failed a level"
"stressssssssssssss......"
"cherrrr, how to do?"
"aHHHHHHHH, i wanna die"

yeap, that's basically our daily conversations. 



its a difficult yet beautiful journey. 
it is painful yet at the end of the journey, everyone did not regret.

we are not afraid of facing our results but we are afraid of facing disappointment. i believe everyone strive our best, did our best, went through so many late night studies, went through countless mental breakdowns or even feel like giving up at some point. knowing that i tried my best for a level, what if the results i get in the end is still a disappointment just like my mocks exam. 

fortunately, everything went well.

i was extremely worried about biology as i desire to do biological sciences for my bachelor's degree but A2 biology paper 4 was so bad, i still remember i was near to tearing up during the paper. unexpected questions, high order thinking questions, everything comes at once. i was not confident at all, but thankfully, i managed to hit the A* with 93 marks. i mean, whats make once more happy than achieving the unexpected. chemistry — being the most disliked subject that i did not want to enrol in from the beginning, i tried my best to understand in concepts and apply. chemistry is still kinda like a meh subject to me, but still i have to do my best if i am doing it. 91, A* for chemistry, it is something that i have NEVER EVER thought of since i was always sleepy in chemistry lessons, always not paying attention. i wouldn't say i am not happy with my maths, 85 with an A, but sort of disappointed and feel sorry to my maths lecturer. 

ah, and this is the first straight As in my life. i finally broke the curse of getting a B in all my important exams. (i am honestly so happy about it, not trying to boost or whatsoever so i am just really really happy for myself) 


✈            to more adventures.

August 07, 2017

nineteen.

十九岁了,就这样在这个世界上生活了十九年。

今年生日,该怎么说。嗯,不比过往热闹,收到的祝福真的寥寥无几。把面子书的生日通知功能关闭了以后,你真的会发现真心记得你的生日的人真的没有几个。当然,我也真的很感激那些记得我生日的每一个朋友家人。

谢谢你们,就算只是一句简单的生日快乐我也真的很满足了。

还有你,哈哈哈 最近不知怎么突然走得很近。说真的我偶尔真的会觉得我们的情况真的在错的时间遇见了对方。也许,我们早些认识现在也许会不一样。可是没关系,谢谢你对我坦白你的真心。我知道我们在一起还是什么的几率不高,我也知道你喜欢我可能就是那种非常暂时性的喜欢。可是你真的在我心里就忽然有了一个很重要的位置,我也不知道何时开始,你有了那么一个重要的位置。几乎每一天都会有早安晚安信息,偶尔你会打电话来跟我聊天。而,昨天我刚睡醒原本满心期待看到你的祝福怎么知道真的 no sign of bday wishes from you 哈哈。就觉得你可能纯粹想戏弄我。也觉得你可能真的不记得,又或许说你从来没有去想过要记得我的生日。其实我内心是失望的,真的。有那么刚好那天早上你给我打电话,接电话的时候以为第一句会是生日快乐,结果通话了12分钟都等不到你的一句祝福。结果朋友在 whatsapp group 祝我的时候你才知道是我的生日。你都不知道我有多失望。
可是还是谢谢你最后祝了我生日快乐,谢谢你。


完全没有跟工作的朋友提起过自己的生日所以我当然没有期望他们会知道自己的生日。可是也不知道怎么的,就真的刚好那一天我们要填写一个新的 employment form 就要写自己的身份证号码嘛,写了很久朋友也有过目了一次可是几乎没有人发现。说实话是有小小的失望了 哈哈哈哈。可是当然不会厚脸皮到去告诉他们今天是自己的生日啊。就在我要去 break 的时候突然朋友说 “今天你生日meh” 哈哈哈 我当时整个傻掉。“嗯 我生日啊”,然后突然就唱起了生日歌可是真的感谢当时猴有客人,所以没有大肆宣扬 哈哈哈 要不然我真的会尴尬掉。

谢谢经理 (?) 请了我一块花生酱巧克力蛋糕还有谢谢同事请了我一瓶一直很想喝的 apple peach juice。如果没有你们今年生日大概真的很 lonely 哈哈哈。


当然每年的生日都上不了你们,中学时期最好的朋友,现在我依然是最好的 ♡ 因为大家都在忙所以只能约在星期日,虽然是 belated 可是我依然很幸福。真的真的很特别珍惜你们这一群朋友,也许就是那种会永远永远都好好的朋友。可能没有常常联络可是心里依然记得对方的存在,然后你知道对方会一直都在。特别是 T K E 真的没有你们的话是不可能会有一个生日聚会。谢谢你们在生日当天都发给了我祝福,谢谢你们永远都那么有心,谢谢你们一直都在。感觉已经到一个用言语表达不出的珍惜和感动,就真的真很爱你们每一个。

然后我突然发现我好像没那么害怕气球了,哈哈哈 可是我还是真的很怕它突然爆炸。我大概会喊到很大声,然后觉得丢脸死了。


每一个祝福都会铭记于心。

有你们真好。