having a productive holiday had been my dream since i was maybe 10 years old.
having thousands plans for the year end holiday during examination but when its finally holiday, i become really lazy for basically everything. a week of holiday had passed, and the only productive thing i did was planning cloud's next year's birthday present. It isn't that productive either, i just planned a little bit and i gave up because i am running out of better ideas. So i decided to stop planning and hand it to panda, let her continue some of the parts. Watching drama, variety shows, reading eleanor & park, hanging on the internet were everything i did in this holiday for now. Well, i should say i am actually kind of glad that i have tuition class for form 5 as if i dont have tuition class, i am probably rotting already. at least, i am preparing for next year already. talking about next year, its another important year huh. one of the most momentous exam coming up, compared to form 3's PMR exam, its much much much more momentous and i should really take it seriously. its an exam that could actually affect your future to be honest. however, i planned to be more relax in november, which is the first month of holiday. i just want to take a rest and live happily for now as a lot of things happened this year, i think, i need a break, a real break and start planning for my future. at the same time, i want to learn from all the mistakes i made in these sixteen years. i feel like, it is really a bad year to me. tears, and pains were there every moment. i might look happy and cheerful at the outside, but my heart was heavy and down almost all the time. whenever i am alone, i overthink a lot. i guess, this is one of the bad habit of mine? overthinking my overthink, hurting myself without even knowing i was hurt. i might seem like one of those happy-go-lucky girl who smile all the time, i am always able to give others positive advise but when it comes to myself, i cant. my heart, its broken into pieces after years of aching life events. but compared to months ago, its getting better. i am slowly fixing it, because i shouldn't hurt myself for others isn't?
in this holiday, there's a lot i want to do.
i wanted to change the way i think, maybe i shall think more positively. i should always be motivated and i should learn on how to trust myself. i am that kind of kids who thinks i can't do well in anything, but there was once i heard people saying if you want to be success, first, you need to have faith in yourself. i am turning seventeen next year, and i will not be the little girl who loves to cry over small things because i cry a lot if you know me well. i cry easily when i was touched over something, well, this is alright. i don't want to cry over somebody who doesn't even care about me anymore, its stupid right? but sometimes, you just cant control your feeling and tears. he once said, we were best friend but really? best friend? thats just what he said, he might not mean it. he just said it so that i would feel better? letting go is another resolution i need to complete by this year end. i don't want to hold him so tight any more because the one who hurt was me, and it had always be me. i was the one who cried in the middle of the night because of him. i was the one who feel so stupid because of him. i was the one who feel so helpless because of him. for now, i think i am doing a good job because i dont think about him that much any more. he is not the one i thought of every night before i fall asleep. he is not the one i thought of every morning i woke up. is just that, it still hurts a lot when i saw his face. so, one of the major resolution i made was to let him go, completely. another one, is i want to be hardworking. it sounds really funny because i made this wish almost every birthday but it never comes true haha. maybe, its because i didn't blow the candle? during my birthday, before i sleep, i would close my eyes and make wishes but most of them doesn't come true all the time. regarding the "become hardworking" wish, it didn't came true because the main problem was myself? well, these are a few things i would like to make changes before the holiday ends. typing it out is easy but fulfilling it isn't. hopefully, i will success.
to summarize up :
1. be a positive person.
2. be motivated.
3. have trust and faith in myself.
4. be strong, let go.
5. be hardworking.
my holiday to-do-list.
1. buy a glass bottle, write down all the happy moments happened daily on a piece of paper and put them inside.
i think it will be quite meaningful because whenever i feel down i could just simply pick a random piece of paper and read it. little moments in life are significant. without all these little moments, our life would not be perfect isn't? i prefer unexpected happy moments over big events. and, i will name the bottle 행복 which means happiness.
2. make my own dream-catcher successfully.
i really liked them. dream catcher, a beautiful name they have. after such a long time, i finally purchased the materials needed to make a dream catcher. i choose the colour, beads and everything myself so i bet its going to be the one and only on earth. i dreamt of very weird dreams lately, hopefully a dream catcher would help.
3. organize my korean notes.
i have stopped my korean class for this semester as i cannot cope with their schedule. however, my passion is still there. i am going to do revision and organize all the notes, grammar rules in one of the notebook i bought. not going to class doesn't means not touching the language at all.
4. write a appreciation letter to those loved friends during christmas.
showing appreciation make others happy and it makes me happy when i am the reason behind their beautiful smile. i guess i won't send them out as a letter but i will just send them through the social networks as i have some really close friend i get to know on the net. some of them aren't from malaysia so i cant send through posting either.
5. understand everything i haven't understand yet.
basically, its understanding studies hahaha. it sounds quite impossible but i guess i should put some effort in studying the previous syllabus as i really get a bad results.
there isn't much things on my to-do-list but, i wasn't sure am i able to tick off all of it at the end of the year. if i am not lazy, i guess i will be able to complete everything huh.