June 26, 2017

first working experience.

started working on last Tuesday and yes! it is finally my off day after a tiring week.


反正人就是一个很矛盾的生物体,在家赖着没事做的时候想要出去打工,出去做工只不过过了一个星期就想念赖在家里的日子。尤其是很累的时候真的会开始怀疑自己为什么要去打工,在家里做个大懒虫不就好了干嘛自讨苦吃。(欠揍 真的因为很缺钱所以决定去做做工,当然和我想象中有点不一样。毕竟没有经验然后又是一个陌生的环境,一开始难免会不习惯。


第一天真的完全尴尬。在不认识的人面前我很内向,往往心里有一堆篇好的话却难以启齿。然后就很尴尬地站在那里不知道该说什么,不知道该做什么。可是很庆幸第二第三天开始跟大家熟了一点就可以聊聊天什么的。现在已经不再尴尬了,所以真的真的很谢谢你们愿意接纳我。休息时间一起聊天,一起玩 snapchat,这些已经慢慢成为我想要去做工的原因了。虽然人很多的时候真的很累然后神经超紧绷的,可是也是有大大的满足感。星期六做了一整天真的感受到了full day的那种身心疲惫。小腿很酸,眼睛想闭。客人在关闭时间的前15分钟进来我们都会不约而同看着对方然后一个wtf的样子。我们都急着想要打扫回家了你们却进来用餐,完全崩溃。


怎么办,现在想到你们都在七月会开始慢慢离开,我都快不舍得了。没有了你们我怎么办,新来的员工不合拍怎么办。以后我一个人忙怎么办。

June 19, 2017

this and that.

basically to express all the thoughts that have been 
wandering in my mind for the past few days.


为升学的事也真的烦恼了很久,大概从上college就开始想了,想到现在也还没有一个确定的结局。去年申请了自己心仪的大学,可是被拒绝了。当时的心情真的很失望,觉得是自己不够好,虽然也没有抱着太大的期望可是失望还是有的。也因为这样,对申请大学这件事也有了恐惧。一直觉得没有大学会接受自己,就是一堆负面的情绪。



会努力的,
知道自己有着和朋友们不一样的梦,
就知道自己走的路也许会比别人来得坎坷,
可是也会更精彩,
对吧?


明天正式上班,开始了我人生的第一份 paid job。距离(expected)上大学大概还有8个月?不可能就在家里无聊地过这8个月吧。去应征了一份 cafe 的工作,service crew。我只在希望自己可以跟那里的员工好好交朋友,然后工作顺顺利利,不要打破碗碟还是拿错 order。

June 10, 2017

graduation night.

it was great, thank you for all the sweet memories we made together in these eighteen months.

it was hard, it was tough yet memorable.

all the laughter we had, all the tears we shed, and remember when I shouted as if I was shot by a gun when the balloon burst?

I truly appreciate each of you by heart.


Everyone looked so different on that night, fully dressed and put on makeup. The only thing that remains the same was the spirit of our group and the love we have between the group.

I first thought an event from 5:30 to 10:30 is going to be lengthy, but apparently it feels really short. When I look at the time, it was already 10 pm, I did not know time would pass so quickly.

跟你们每一个人合照,有些也许是最后一次见面,也有些之后还会见面。可是我真的开始想念你们了,怎么到了该结束的时候,我突然觉得好不舍得。如果可以,我们可以把时间倒回再来一次吗。虽然 a level 真的很难,我们也真的很幸苦的走过了 18个月,可是也因为有你们,一切都变的没那么难。

因为有你们带来的欢笑,再难的日子我们也可以一起坚持走下去。

真的很 谢谢 你们。


还有你,

嗯,虽然我们一起聊天聊了一个星期?可是我们聊的事情太少了。而,你的话也不多。如果我打扰到你对不起,可是也谢谢你没有一开始就拒绝了。虽然我们不太可能,我也决定不再打扰和介入你的生活了。可是真的祝你以后顺顺利利,虽然我真的不知道我有没有后悔主动认识你可是在某个瞬间,我很想要认识你。所以,我不该后悔吧。

你永远都不会知道我是鼓起了多大的勇气来认识你,你永远都不会知道我偷偷喜欢你了多久,你也不会知道你那无心的一句话其实真的有伤到我了。

嗯,还是谢谢你答应合照。

至少我有一张我和我喜欢的人的合照。

也许,下一次发信息给你会是你的生日吧。


只想说,我很快乐的过了这18个月。

谢谢每一个出现过的人。

June 06, 2017

first and most probably the last time.

I would say this happened too quickly without self-conscious most of the time.

Thinking back,
I have no idea where did all the courage came from,
I have no idea how did I manage to do it,
I have no idea do I regret my action or not.


It has been a year, or maybe fifteen months since I know your existence. Well, being quite an introvert, I obviously do not have the courage to even say "hi" to you or even stand close to you no matter how much I wished we could at least know each other as friends. In these fifteen months, I thought of you almost every day in college since the first day I bumped into you.


I remember the first time we met, (not really we but the first time I saw you) was outside of the classroom in the new university building. When I was waiting for the class along with other classmates we got curious about the students from March intake, so we peeped into the classroom through the tiny window on the door. That was the first time I set my eyes on you, it was Mathematics lesson. You was so focused on the lesson, you buried yourself in that piles of papers. Ever since then, I looked forward to every Monday class because I could at least take a glimpse of you before my first lesson of the week. I remember I had thousand of plans in my head on how to talk to you naturally but of course, nothing worked out because I just did not have the courage to do so. There are two doors in each classroom and I always tried to guess which door you will use so that we could at least pass by each other (why was I like that). We did pass by each other once or twice? I liked your height, I liked it when we passed by each other, I guess that was the closest distance we had ever been. I even went out of the class to go to the toilet before the class starts to look at you once more while you was waiting for the lift.


When the first semester ended, I was basically super emotional thinking that our timetables would change, the classes would change and that means I might not be able to bump into you anymore. Yes, I was right. I did not get to see you much during semester 2. Once or twice, I bumped into you during lunch time and sometimes I saw you in the atrium in the morning. Semester 2 was the time when I started to cherish examination periods because those were the only time I get to see you for a longer time. You was usually 2 or 3 rows away from me during Chemistry exams, but I still have no idea why can't we have a little chemistry with each other. What is the suitable positive catalyst for the reaction? (this came up spontaneously I am still a nerd after all) 


Semester 3 had been not too bad, we had classes at the same level on Wednesday. Whenever I go to class I will have to pass by the classroom that you're in and of course, I always took the chance to look at you even it was just for one second. It is really funny how I actually fall for you after I first saw you, you are not that special, you are not as handsome, you are not really "my type" but it just happened. I remember I would drag my friends out of the classroom by telling them it was too cold in there just to go out so that I will have a bigger chance to bump into you when your lecturer give you a break between the 2 hours class. You looked cool every time, I rarely see you smile but whenever I saw your smile, I fell for it again, and again.


There is a website, which is fairly famous lately where people can ask or tell confession to the other person anonymously. When my friend, naming her K, was telling me about talking to her crush through that website, I got triggered to talk to you with that way too. So I did, and this is when all of the happy yet depressing memories were made.

I asked you whether you have a girlfriend or not and you replied "sincerely no". So, I guess it is fine to talk to you as I really do not want to cause fuss if you happened to have a girlfriend. I told you I have always wanted to say hi to you but did not have the courage to do so, and since we are graduating in less than 10 days, I guess I will not have the chance anymore? You replied "Maybe you could say hi to me during the graduation ceremony" But honestly, if you do not know who am I by then, I am pretty sure that I will not have the courage to go up to you and say hi. I asked you to guess who am I, and after a few more chatting, you guessed correctly in the first guess when I gave you hints. I thought the hints were not as obvious, but apparently they were pretty much obvious. I told you I am not from your class when you asked, and I told you I added you on facebook. I thought these hints would be fine, you probably have a lot of friends who are not from the same class and added you on facebook but I turned out to be one of those few. I asked if we could chat on facebook, and you send me a "hi" on facebook.

That is probably the only thing you did that made me feel like he is willing to be friends with me, but after that things did not turn out well as I thought.


You are probably the shy kind of person when it comes to stranger, your replies were shorter than I expect but sometimes you still throw me some unexpected reply. You "seen" my message for a few times but still reply after a while, but I just went back to check and you seen me for at least 45 minutes and I still have not gotten any replies. To be honest, it is quite hurtful even though I expect this to happen after a while.  

Maybe, you just do not like me.

But honestly, I guess I should be happy to know that you know me even before I approached you, I should appreciate how I actually talked to you after liking you secretly for such a long period. Or maybe, I am just not good enough, maybe I am not beautiful enough, maybe there is someone you like already. I am quite a bubbly person, I can joke around with you most of the time but if you are taking everything too seriously, it will be really hard for me to show you that bubbly side of me. Why can't you be a little bit more friendly. Why can't you be nicer to me. Is this all I am getting after raising my courage to say the first hi. I don't know if I should continue talking to you, I don't want to annoy you but I really like you.

It feels so suffocating.


This is most probably why I am afraid of taking the first step, getting hurt is the only return I receive all this while. Maybe this is why, I should really stop having fantasies about going on a stroll by the beach with the loved one, holding hands while watching a movie together, being able to hold on your arms tightly while on a roller coaster ride. At this point, I really do not know did I regret my decision. I am glad that I finally get to talk to you, at least I can say hi to you next time I bump into you, at least there is a higher chance for me to take a photo with you on our graduation ceremony, but what if you hated me after all these. You gave me so much happiness yet so much dilemmas.

It was my first time to do so much just to approach someone I like, it took so much courage and thoughts.

근데 지금은 바보된 느낌만 느꼈는데.


dream, comes true.

好像是一個從 15 歲開始的夢想 吧,而自從有了這個夢就常常把它掛在嘴邊,掛在心裡。為了讓夢想變成現實,做了很多付出。也許在別人眼中那些付出不值多少可是就是這些一點一滴的付出讓我走到了目的地。 而,我付出的努力,也帶給了我幸運。 「 越努力,越幸 运。」...