June 06, 2017

first and most probably the last time.

I would say this happened too quickly without self-conscious most of the time.

Thinking back,
I have no idea where did all the courage came from,
I have no idea how did I manage to do it,
I have no idea do I regret my action or not.

It has been a year, or maybe fifteen months since I know your existence. Well, being quite an introvert, I obviously do not have the courage to even say "hi" to you or even stand close to you no matter how much I wished we could at least know each other as friends. In these fifteen months, I thought of you almost every day in college since the first day I bumped into you.

I remember the first time we met, (not really we but the first time I saw you) was outside of the classroom in the new university building. When I was waiting for the class along with other classmates we got curious about the students from March intake, so we peeped into the classroom through the tiny window on the door. That was the first time I set my eyes on you, it was Mathematics lesson. You was so focused on the lesson, you buried yourself in that piles of papers. Ever since then, I looked forward to every Monday class because I could at least take a glimpse of you before my first lesson of the week. I remember I had thousand of plans in my head on how to talk to you naturally but of course, nothing worked out because I just did not have the courage to do so. There are two doors in each classroom and I always tried to guess which door you will use so that we could at least pass by each other (why was I like that). We did pass by each other once or twice? I liked your height, I liked it when we passed by each other, I guess that was the closest distance we had ever been. I even went out of the class to go to the toilet before the class starts to look at you once more while you was waiting for the lift.

When the first semester ended, I was basically super emotional thinking that our timetables would change, the classes would change and that means I might not be able to bump into you anymore. Yes, I was right. I did not get to see you much during semester 2. Once or twice, I bumped into you during lunch time and sometimes I saw you in the atrium in the morning. Semester 2 was the time when I started to cherish examination periods because those were the only time I get to see you for a longer time. You was usually 2 or 3 rows away from me during Chemistry exams, but I still have no idea why can't we have a little chemistry with each other. What is the suitable positive catalyst for the reaction? (this came up spontaneously I am still a nerd after all) 

Semester 3 had been not too bad, we had classes at the same level on Wednesday. Whenever I go to class I will have to pass by the classroom that you're in and of course, I always took the chance to look at you even it was just for one second. It is really funny how I actually fall for you after I first saw you, you are not that special, you are not as handsome, you are not really "my type" but it just happened. I remember I would drag my friends out of the classroom by telling them it was too cold in there just to go out so that I will have a bigger chance to bump into you when your lecturer give you a break between the 2 hours class. You looked cool every time, I rarely see you smile but whenever I saw your smile, I fell for it again, and again.

There is a website, which is fairly famous lately where people can ask or tell confession to the other person anonymously. When my friend, naming her K, was telling me about talking to her crush through that website, I got triggered to talk to you with that way too. So I did, and this is when all of the happy yet depressing memories were made.

I asked you whether you have a girlfriend or not and you replied "sincerely no". So, I guess it is fine to talk to you as I really do not want to cause fuss if you happened to have a girlfriend. I told you I have always wanted to say hi to you but did not have the courage to do so, and since we are graduating in less than 10 days, I guess I will not have the chance anymore? You replied "Maybe you could say hi to me during the graduation ceremony" But honestly, if you do not know who am I by then, I am pretty sure that I will not have the courage to go up to you and say hi. I asked you to guess who am I, and after a few more chatting, you guessed correctly in the first guess when I gave you hints. I thought the hints were not as obvious, but apparently they were pretty much obvious. I told you I am not from your class when you asked, and I told you I added you on facebook. I thought these hints would be fine, you probably have a lot of friends who are not from the same class and added you on facebook but I turned out to be one of those few. I asked if we could chat on facebook, and you send me a "hi" on facebook.

That is probably the only thing you did that made me feel like he is willing to be friends with me, but after that things did not turn out well as I thought.

You are probably the shy kind of person when it comes to stranger, your replies were shorter than I expect but sometimes you still throw me some unexpected reply. You "seen" my message for a few times but still reply after a while, but I just went back to check and you seen me for at least 45 minutes and I still have not gotten any replies. To be honest, it is quite hurtful even though I expect this to happen after a while.  

Maybe, you just do not like me.

But honestly, I guess I should be happy to know that you know me even before I approached you, I should appreciate how I actually talked to you after liking you secretly for such a long period. Or maybe, I am just not good enough, maybe I am not beautiful enough, maybe there is someone you like already. I am quite a bubbly person, I can joke around with you most of the time but if you are taking everything too seriously, it will be really hard for me to show you that bubbly side of me. Why can't you be a little bit more friendly. Why can't you be nicer to me. Is this all I am getting after raising my courage to say the first hi. I don't know if I should continue talking to you, I don't want to annoy you but I really like you.

It feels so suffocating.

This is most probably why I am afraid of taking the first step, getting hurt is the only return I receive all this while. Maybe this is why, I should really stop having fantasies about going on a stroll by the beach with the loved one, holding hands while watching a movie together, being able to hold on your arms tightly while on a roller coaster ride. At this point, I really do not know did I regret my decision. I am glad that I finally get to talk to you, at least I can say hi to you next time I bump into you, at least there is a higher chance for me to take a photo with you on our graduation ceremony, but what if you hated me after all these. You gave me so much happiness yet so much dilemmas.

It was my first time to do so much just to approach someone I like, it took so much courage and thoughts.

근데 지금은 바보된 느낌만 느꼈는데.

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