things are getting hard but i can get through them

明明还有一堆事情等着我去做可是就突然觉得是时候写写部落格了。

也许是因为最近太多事情不顺心，我也不知道可以在那里诉苦。

在推特上感觉太矫情，也觉得好像不太合适所以就回到了被我遗忘已久的部落格。

这个假期的实习也就剩下最后一个星期了，原以为可以轻松度过最后一个星期可是却压力三大。星期六还要回去把事情做完，嗯，就觉得好累。要是实验都可以顺顺利利那就应该还好可是最近感觉在实验上花的时间和力气都白费就越来越自暴自弃。做了那么多也得不到期望的结果，比起说肉体上的疲惫，精神上的疲惫才是让我觉得喘不过气的原因吧。要是实验可以成功那么一次，那该有多好。也许这就是研究生的日常吧。如果以后真的决定读硕士那也要学着去接受这样的日常吧。星期五还有一场演讲要把这个假期的进度报告给研究室的人，嗯，感觉我都只做了一堆废东西。其实教授很希望我可以在下学期也继续在研究室工作但是我觉得我真的忙不过来。开始上课的话需要花很多时间去学习然而实验都花很长的时间，而且最困难的事我真的很难把上课的时间和实验的时间安排得刚刚好。一部分的我觉得我有这个责任去把我现在负责的项目做好可是另一部分的我清楚明白我肯定会后悔这个决定。上一次尝试了一次，结果就是上课的时候一直担心研究室的东西，在研究室的时候就担心上课的东西 搞得我自己都快崩溃了。所以这次决定自私点让自己好过点吧，不然我真的会疯掉。

其实我也不知道为什么这个星期真的特别的down 每个晚上都很想哭，就真的是工作到一半突然鼻尖酸酸的然后眼泪就开始在眼眶里打滚了。最近也没有特别遇到什么大难题 只不过太多太多不顺心的小事情 导致我有点平衡不了。每个晚上一个人在宿舍都很希望自己可以在外面租个小房子可以有自己的厨房，自己的洗手间，属于自己的一个小空间。试着跟妈妈商量却被果断拒绝了，可是真的这个念头一直都在而且越来越强大。希望我可以好好地撑多10个月吧 :) 

想要赶快去个旅行放放假，短暂的旅行也好。

short update.

it has been a long time since i sat down and decided to blog.

well, i was just feeling it today so here's a little update and just my personal thoughts i guess?

it has been a strange year, a pandemic that threatens millions life, a pandemic that makes me realize how fragile are humans and how selfish can a person be, but at the same time, it also makes me realize that together, we can stop the situation from getting worst. 

it hasn't been that difficult for me, i expected to stay during the summer vacation for my internship so it wasn't in my plan to go home. well, i was initially planning to go home for a week or two, but i guess i will not be able to do that now. i am lucky to have my friends, and my boyfriend by my side in korea and thankfully, the situation is korea is under control. i miss my family and friends in malaysia, and my two little puppies but all i wish right now is everyone to stay healthy. going to the airport is risky, flying on a plane for six hours is also risky, i don't want to bring the virus back and spread it to my family especially my old grandmother may not be able to fight with this virus. 

so i guess staying here is the best for me and my loved one. 

oh, and i have been cooking for almost 2 months! i failed a few times but it was also really fun to cook and eat what i crave for! instead of eating in the cafeteria or just from a convenient store, it is so much better to cook by myself! a simple and hearty meal always warm my tummy after a hectic day. working in the lab was enjoyable but at the same time it's tiring on someday with long experiments. i worked overtime a few days, one time until 9pm? that day was crazy! i get really frustrated sometimes because it is not even because i am slow.. but i have to wait for the purification process yeap, drop by drop. and it just takes a crazy amount of time! also, working in a lab make me realize why research takes up to years! before you can actually perform a certain experiment, you have to first synthesize what you need if it is not available, and for me, i have a synthesize mutated polymerase, introducing mutation to a plasmid is not difficult, it can be done in a week but.. protein purification takes forever! i have also decided to continue with my lab internship, well to gain experience and also i want to finish my current project! (at the same time earn some income to buy things that i want ㅠㅠ since it will be online semester, let's hope it will be do-a-ble! :) its summer in korea, stepping into fall soon, a season that i love! beautiful scenery, with perfect weather! i wish we could all breathe in the cooling autumn air without having the need to wear a mask soon! during last semester, i was able to travel to seoul once a month, and stay over for five days or so. it was great and i enjoyed every single time, but this semester, maybe not since i will be working in the lab but i guess a short weekend trip to seoul wouldn't hurt that much! there's a malaysian's restaurant in hong-dae, owned by a malaysian and i really want to try the food there, all the reviews said the food tastes just like authentic malaysian cuisine! (well, a lil over priced but guess this is the living standard here! because of this, i was inspired to make nasi lemak, and also, so coincidently, my friend decided to "prank" me with a rice cooker as a birthday present. i was totally speechless when i saw my name written on a box of rice cooker, i was praying that it is not mine, i was just someone with the same name... but yes it was mine. i was literally shouting inside for a while now, but to think about it now, i will just make use of it and cook some nasi lemak! i managed to buy sambal online let's hope it will taste good (finger crossed) i miss the taste of malaysia food so bad! especially granny's cooking yum yum. 

nasi lemak w/ sambal shrimp!

i am stepping into my sixth semester in a week, and i am not sure what to feel about it.

i am excited but at the same time, i am scared. it means it's almost the time to think about what do i want to do after graduating from my bachelor degree. do i want to continue with master degree? or do i want to work in a company? honestly, the idea of working in a company, dealing with many people with my not so fluent korean is so stressful. but it is a process of growing up right? or maybe i will end up continuing master degree and work in a lab heh, comfort zone. oh yes, talking about lab! i did a presentation to kind-of give a conclusion for my summer internship. i received so many good feedback from other students and professors, and i am so so so happy know that i did a not bad job! a master student told me the presentation was easy to understand and i know what i have been doing all this while, and i did not look nervous during the presentation. we also had dinner with section heads from our branch, i heard this was the first time that interns were invited to have dinner together. (maybe we did a great job! hehe)

i have decided to take a week break before a new semester begins! so i guess ill spend this week mostly in my bed, hopefully i will be motivated to study in advance and prepare for the sem (unlikely......) 

 

guess that's all for today,

bye! 

twenty one.

twenty-one year old symbolize growing up and entering another phase of life.
learning to be more mature, to be more responsible, to be a better person.

twenty-one year old birthday celebration, well, not really.

I was busy on my birthday, my parents weren't home, so there wasn't any celebration on my actual birthday. I would say it feels just like a usual day to me but of course, I am thankful for those who remembered my birthday and wishes me. Thank you for making me a birthday video as well, even though we weren't able to celebrate together (well, we did celebrate in advance but it didn't feel like it was a birthday celebration since it was wAAAY before the actual day). Honestly, I feel slightly sad since it's my twenty-first birthday and we all know how important it is. It just felt a little bit like one piece of the puzzle from my life is not being completed. But well, it is over anyway and let's just be grateful for what I had!

Thank you for the belated celebration, at least I heard an actual birthday song for my twenty-first. At least I had a group of friends to celebrate with me. I was quite surprised as I thought it was just a dinner with three of you but turns out more people came! Thank you for everything. Being away to study aboard means I am unable to celebrate my best sisters' birthday together, but I really appreciate how we still manage to meet up and have a celebration together, belated or in advance.

感觉人生其中一个幸运就是有你们这班中学时期的朋友，但愿以后的日子也会有你们的参与。

I am proud that I have achieved one of my goal in life which is studying aboard, and most importantly in the place that I wanted to go the most. I am really lucky to finally meet the person I love so much, tho, in an unexpected way. I feel loved to have all these people who are always by my side since middle schools, since college, and since someday in the latter half of 2018. And most importantly, my family who always support me.

Honestly, I am beyond happy and grateful that I was given the chance to spend my university year abroad. It wasn't an easy chance, I worked hard for high school final exam and A-Level just to pave a way that will possibly lead me to achieve my dream. Along the way, some friends have the same dream as me, everyone around me has their dream, it may lead to different places in the world but us, it is the same dream we have. We helped each other along the way, supported each other's dream and I'm really glad that most of us did it in the end. Some went to medical schools, some went overseas, some did exchange programs, but everyone is doing what they love now, and that's what important.

I have also recently volunteered in a Korean education fair for two days, apparently, it was on my birthday and that is why I didn't get to celebrate with anyone. But I guess it is a great experience on my twenty-first birthday. That one thing that gave me the greatest impression was seeing the students who are so passionate about going to a university in Korea, and those who are shy to approach, it was like a flashback from 2 years ago when I visited the Korean education fair. 2 years later, I am sitting at one of the university's booth as representative to give students information and guidelines. Whenever the admission team staff told the students who came to our booth that there are only 2 Malaysian students and one of them is me, along with another graduate student, they looked at me with a very amazing look. To be honest, I feel a little bit proud to be part of the university and it feels like all the hard work does pay off. Some parents asked me how was it when I first entered the university, I told them honestly. It wasn't easy for me, I took some time to adjust to the way of studies, the format of exams and also the syllabus. Social life was not that bad but academics were, urm, terrible. My freshmen year results were so .. bad.. that I don't even want to recall but I'm glad that as I adjusted myself throughout the semester, my grades also became better. To think about it, there are only 2 years and a half left to finish my degree. It feels quite fast, and I guess it is time to start worrying about my career after graduating from undergrad school.

My biggest source of happiness, I am glad that you came into my life.

I don't remember at which exact moment I started to fall in love with you exactly, I don't remember when was the first day you got stuck in my mind, I don't remember when was the day I started to think about how should I ask you out when I go back to Korea.

I am glad that you came, I am glad like we clicked well with each other! It all started with learning Mandarin, and well maybe going to a lot of coffee shops together. September fifteen was the day you asked me if I have free time to meet up with you, and I remember well that I hesitated because I had my schedule planned, but I went in the end because it's you who asked. And surprisingly, that was the first day and I didn't even know! (what!!) A few days later, we went to the park together, we held each other hand and well, lean on each other's shoulder and you kissed my forehead yet you didn't confess to me or anything. I was so curious, so so so curious, I wanted to know so badly, so I asked what's our relationship. It took me so much courage to ask and thank god, the answer was the one that I was hoping for.

Since then, we went through a lot together and it will be one year soon! (Am currently preparing a gift because I don't think ill have time to do that when the semester begins ><) You made me smile a lot, you made me cry and angry sometimes but I didn't know what to say because I feel like it's just me being childish. But of course, there was a lot more happiness! You made me feel like a princess, you made me feel so loved, you made me feel like even when the world is against me you'll be right by my side. Long-distance wasn't easy but it is also not as hard as it seems to be, we have been doing well and I believe we will do better and I believe that the day when I will finally wake up having you by my side is getting closer day by day! We see each other through the screen a lot more, and this always made me realize how precious it is to spend a day together physically. Sometimes it even feels weird because we always see each other through video calls, but I love your warmth whenever you hold my hand or hug me tightly. I am a crybaby who always cries when we have to leave each other for more than a month, or when we have to send each other off to another state. I look forward to our date all the time, but whenever it is the day itself, I wish it'll be tomorrow so that I wouldn't have to face the goodbyes that soon. I hate it when the skies turn dark, it means goodbyes are getting closer. I hate it when time goes by so quickly whenever we are together, but good times do indeed pass faster.

因为知道自己的不完美，所以曾认为这辈子也许都遇不到一个喜欢自己的人。

可是误打误撞，遇见了你，那么好的你。

也许因为曾经失去过，曾经因为一个人的离开撕心裂肺的哭过，所以变得更加害怕面对离别吧。每一次的离别我都会忍不住流眼泪，明明答应好自己要做好准备不哭，可是在你面前总会像个小孩一样，眼泪不听使唤的流下。每一次因为一些小事情开始胡思乱想到最后卷成一团在被窝里流泪。明知道都是一次无谓的 overthinking 却忍不住哭得停不下来。其实我很害怕，我很害怕有一天你会习惯分开，你会觉得没有我在身边也无所谓反正，习惯了。对我而言，习惯其实很恐怖，一旦习惯了想改也不容易啊。每一天，都很想你。睡醒睁开眼睛，第一个动作就是发一句早安给你，睡前一定要通个电话，有什么事情都想第一时间想跟你分享，哪怕只是一件不起眼的小事，有你的生活都成了习惯、成了日常，如果有一天这些都必须跳过是多么可怕的事情。我也很害怕有一天你会厌倦了远距离恋爱，觉得想要一个可以常常陪在身边的人，我很害怕会有那么一个人就轻易的代替了我的位置。我相信你不会那么做可是就是会有这些不听使唤的想法一直在脑海里转来转去的。

우리 떨어지고 있는 동안에 제일 바라보는거 조금 더 보고 싶다고 하는 말이 해주면 좋겠다. 가끔은 너무 보고싶어서 자기한테 말했지만 자기는 그냥 나도 보고 싶다고 해서 뭔가 나만 보고 싶어하나.. 이런 느낌 들어. 자기는 먼저 보고 싶다고 말하면 느낌이 다르잖아, 진짜 보고 싶어서 말하는 거잖아.

It has been a long time since I last updated,
and I have been thinking about why.

Blogging used to be a way for me to express myself whenever I don't know who can I talk to,
maybe that's why I no longer blog often because I have found someone to talk with about anything, well maybe not everything but most of them.

Or maybe, I was just lazy heh.

random thoughts pt7.

久违了，没想到这一次突然有想要写部落格的心情也是因为最近身边发生的事情。

也许吧，也许人生真的永远不会顺利。
永远都会有你想也想不到的意外，会有不在自己可以顾虑的范围内发生的事情。

偶尔觉得，自己是不是人太好，习惯去迎合别人而常常忽略了自己最真实的感受。习惯了可以帮助的就会尽量帮助，就算不么不愿意还是会逼自己去，因为我知道如果我不去做，我会良心过意不去。只觉得，一个人帮你不是应该的，既然别人愿意帮你那你就更应该去珍惜，去感谢而不是过河拆桥，然后连谢谢也没亲口说一声。我不知道一个人可以多么的小气，小气成这个样子。狮子座的颜面，有多重要，都知道吧。我已经放下了颜面，去开始开话题来解决这个尴尬气氛，谢啦，谢谢你把气氛搞得更尴尬。也因为这样，我开始觉得是不是自己一个人也许更好，我也很想和大家一样有一群一起玩的朋友，可是不管我多么努力，我总觉得自己就是有那一部分融合不进去，我努力了，可是真的很累。其实只要没看见你们，我也不太会想起你们，而这一点真的和其他朋友很不同。有些人无论在多么偏远的地方，脑海里总会有他们的影子，而我不知道，我每天都看到的你们，即使一个周末都没看见，我也不以为意。有时候虽然大家聚在一起，一起吃饭，一起聊天，而我却不知道该说什么，就感觉自己不属于这里，即使离开了也不会有什么不同。这种不被重视的感觉也许是我自己想太多而感受到的，可是这几天，这感觉，越来越强烈。我开始觉得我真的宁愿全部都自己一个人去做，一个人上课，一个人吃饭，总觉得在这里交到的朋友都不是真的朋友，就感觉大家真的就是聚在一起在对方的身上获得利益？因为很多很多累积起来的小原因，我开始厌倦了社交，我开始厌倦那种必须绞尽脑汁去跟别人开话题的生活；我宁愿，一天不说话，也厌倦了这样的生活。有时候，真的很想念在马来西亚的朋友，有你们真的太好太好了。这几天都因为自己一直想太多有的没的，觉得难以呼吸，觉得很累，觉得我真的要继续过这样的生活吗，为什么我每次都是那个受委屈什么都讲不出，闷在心里，自己躲在房里哭的那个。

亲爱的，好想你。
我真的不知道如果没有你，我能不能撑下来。
对不起我总是突然哭泣吓到你，我又不知道要怎么开口告诉你，总觉得是自己的问题。
以前那个无论什么事情都可以坚持的自己，去了哪里。

也许，我下一个目标就是找到自己；
感觉在迎合别人的同时，我已经慢慢遗失了自己最原本的一面。

two thousand eighteen.

又不知不觉来到了十二月，说实在的今年过得真的很快。一直想着大学要读四年才会读完可是就这样一年过去了，也就这样 freshman year 结束了。今年有三分二的日子都是在外国，但其实我并没有我想象中的那么想家，也因为这样而发现其实自己也还蛮独立的。我也不知道是哪来的勇气自己一个人出国读书，可是在哪里认识了跟我一样离开家独自一人到国外留学的朋友，所以其实也没什么大不了。我想说这机会来的不易，也是我多年以来的梦想，所以应该好好珍惜好好享受留学的日子。当然这期间有很多不顺心的事，有很多事情都并不像我想象中的那么完美，那么无忧无虑。学校的课业常常赶不上，一直比别人付出了更多却得不到理想的成绩。也时常因为这样怀疑自己的选择，也许留在本地不会那么幸苦，也许留在本地就不需要花更多是时间去适应外国的生活。在外国生活，需要自己去处理的事情太多了，无论做什么都要自己亲力亲为，不能一开口问爸妈就有答案了。可是抛开这些，我觉得我是开心的，留学的日子真的很开心。寒假回来马来西亚我就立马想念韩国了，我不知道我是喜欢那里的环境还是喜欢那里的人，也许都喜欢吧。

春夏秋冬，一年四季是在马来西亚体验不到的，这也是我想出国留学的其中一个原因。虽然每换一个季节就要买一些新衣服真的搞到我很穷，可是亲眼目睹季节变化是一种幸福。还记得第一次过去的时候一边光秃秃的山坡，校园里的树都只剩下树干。然后开着春天的到来，树干上突然多了一些刚盛开的花，然后樱花就盛开了，在去上课的路上都是满满的樱花，真的心情在不好都会突然变好。白色樱花随着日子过去有一些渐渐凋谢了，有一些慢慢变成了粉色，其实真的满神奇的。但其实樱花大概一个星期就凋谢了，又剩下光溜溜的树干。可是随着时间流逝，树上又布满了青色的叶子，而这一个阶段维持了比较长一段时间直达夏天过去。放了个暑假，回去的时候就是秋天了，秋天真的很棒。看着叶子的颜色慢慢从绿色变成黄色再变成褐色，有一些也变成了红色在慢慢凋谢。也许对当地人来说一点都不稀奇，可是对我而言这个过程真的很疗愈，很让人怦然心动。然后天气慢慢的转凉，冬天已悄悄的到来了。冬天也没想象中的那么可怕，其实衣服穿对了就不会太冷。也因为这个冬天我严重爱上了围巾，感觉围巾完全是一个可以让人从快冻死了到好温暖的阶段。寒假回来，一抵达马来西亚我觉得我快被热得融化了也在那一瞬间我发觉我宁愿冷也不愿意热。

spring ・ 봄 ・ 春

summer ・ 여름 ・ 夏

autumn ・ 가을 ・ 秋

winter ・ 겨울 ・ 冬

end of year 1 - freshman year.
being forced to do every fundamental subjects that I have zero interest in, no matter how hard I tried, I still ended up with bad grades, times like that were definitely demotivating. There were times when I just wanted to give up studying because even if I spend two to three hours per day trying to understand calculus, I know clearly that midterms and finals are still going to be bad. I repeated the physics homework problems for at least three times each chapters but still unable to solve the problems in exams. I felt devastated, I felt like everything were against my will, I felt like even if I put in 101% of efforts, the outcome wouldn't be even 10%. Sometimes, I ask myself is it worth it to study? Or I shall just focus on some other subjects that I have confident in. But I couldn't just give up cooly, I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't even try my best. I guess these were the hardest part of freshman year, but thankfully it is over now. (lets pray that ill pass the subjects).

2018 wasn't easy for me, I cried after overthinking in the middle of the night. I cried because no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't achieve my goal. Sometimes I hate myself for being such a cry baby but I can't help, at least it feels much better after crying out the stress that were being built up in my heart. First half of 2018 was really tough, being alone in a foreign country, having only a few friends by my side, being betrayed and cheated on, needing to adapt to the new living and learning environment.

Later half of 2018, thank you for being a part of my life, giving me motivation to continue in the hardest time. I hesitated in the beginning, but I am glad that I was willing to hold your hand, I was willing to trust again. Thank you for making me feel loved all the time, thank you for letting me know that I made a right choice. I don't know what brought us together, but I am glad that I met you. Being supportive on my studies, helping me in studies even though you have to study everything again before teaching me, giving me warm hugs and kisses on my cheeks, held my hand tightly all the time, these are the little things that made me fall in love with you a little more everyday. Instead of only telling me everything is goin to be fine, you helped me to solve the problems I faced together. You're definitely not the most romantic person, but thank you for being you when you're with me. I love you for who you are. You said that you're a rough person but I don't think so, you might not be as attentive or gentle, but I know you're trying your best. But let's be honest, I noticed that you really improved a lot compared to when we first met. Remember when I was sick before mid terms, you came over and handed me a box of honey yuzu tea. Actions are definitely better than empty words. I love how you're so passionate in coffee, it motivates me search for something that I find passion in, too. I love how you constantly improve yourself, I love how you're such a wholly shaped person. Loving you makes me want to be a better person day by day. And this is really the kind of relationship I desire. Constantly motivating each other to be someone better and become each other's motivation. We both know clearly that it will not be easy, when you continue your studies in Seoul, we couldn't meet as often. When it's finally summer or vacation break, I'll have to go home. But, we will be able to do well right? I wanted to exchange letter with you before going home, so I told you about it and you told me you planned to do it even though if I didn't tell you about it. That's when I fall in love with you a little deeper, I know that you're not the type who would do this but you actually thought of it! It makes me feel so loved and appreciated.

이대로 잘 할수 있겠지. 앞으로 무슨일이 있어도 손 꽉 잡고 같이 걷자.
같이 있으면 무서운일이 없다.

2019,
it will finally be the year for me to begin my sophomore year which means I am finally a student majoring in biological science. I see it as a fresh start, general studies had been hard to me. I believe it wouldn't be any easier but ill continue to strive my best. No excuses like "I have no interest in it" anymore, it is what I chose. I'll promise myself to do much better than freshman year.

우리, 계속 화이팅하자.

sem 2 week 1.

回来了，我的第二个家。

对自己有一个小承诺，希望自己这个学期可以多交点朋友，不要把自己关在一个小圈圈。有时觉得，既然出国留学了，就真的不要约束自己是时候突破自己。一直以来都属于比较内向的性格吧，除非我跟你很熟那我大概就是一个超疯狂的人。大概不太会主动去认识人，然后过来跟我讲话的人我都把它们归类为奇怪的人类，（我好像才是那个奇怪的人类）。感觉有时候把人与人的关系想得太复杂了，也可能是因为从小到大就被教育要离陌生人远一点。

走在路上就被人拦住说什么我赢了第三奖可是我明明就没做了什么，感觉就是一个奇怪的人所以一直要撇开谁知道他一直跟，跟着。当时其实真的是堂皇的，我说我该怎么办。可是后来发现是一家通信公司所有就有点妥协了，可是还是不太想跟过去就说啊，诶 其实我是外国人。然后他接着说外国人也没关系啊。最后聊了一下，还被误会为日本人？

回来见的第一个人是我的室友啦啦啦啦～就突然约了见面，一起吃了晚餐然后逛了逛。我们也终于拍了上个学期一直想拍的那种西连拍！

然后，第二个见的人！一起聊天聊了两三个月的欧巴。中间也偶尔通过电话，一通电话就一个小时左右。感觉在网络上认识了那么多人，他大概是最投缘的吧。一起吃了午餐然后因为下雨没办法找咖啡厅喝咖啡只好去星巴克。 感觉我们还蛮好聊的，很怕只是我单方面的自我感觉良好然后我们就再也不见面了。可是可是，他过了几天就约了我他休假的时候见面。

然后，也不知道最近怎么了。好多人突然信息我，就真的那种在学校见过面从来没说过话的。其实是真的有点恐怖，就，感觉被监视了。

8/31，
第一次喝烧酒了，有一位韩国人朋友一起温习英文和微积分，过后就问要不要一起去喝酒。结果，我们答应了。11点左右出发，然后才猛然发现学校范围里竟然有4-5间술집（饮酒的地方，不是夜店ok）一起去了结果就第一次喝了烧酒，其实我发现我还蛮喜欢的。难道我是隐藏的酒鬼吗 呵呵。烧酒和桃子烧酒，桃子烧酒就一个果汁的味道。两个一起混着喝真的还蛮好喝的。喝完了去附近走走吹风然后回到学校大家一起吃了冰淇淋，坐在亭子里聊天聊到了凌晨3点。我感觉我也真的明白为什么他们都说在韩国，喝酒真的可以促进关系。一起聊了很多，也真的很开心。这种经验真的真的很难得。

第一个星期的课，就这样过去啦。

下个星期正式进入地狱式生活。呵呵。

twenty.

正式迈入二十岁的生活，

是要变得更坚强，更成熟，还是更努力。

其实对于二十岁的自己，我真的觉得很迷茫。

总觉得，应该变得越来越好，可是偶尔也觉得自己变得越来越敏感，容易为一些事情忧郁上一整天，有时候甚至因为自己的小情绪导致身边的人都不喜欢自己。也许是真的过于敏感，把没有的事情都在脑袋里加盐加醋篇了一部伤感电影。只是觉得，偶尔有些小情绪一不小心流露出来大家就觉得你很白目，你很无聊，只是觉得每个人都有不开心想发泄的时候吧。我很努力真的只想把自己的正能量传达出去，可是我也会累，我也有想发发脾气，发发牢骚的时候，可是每一次这样，得到的不是关心而是对方的冷漠。明明身边很多朋友，可是有时候真的找不到一个可以陪我谈心的人。累了，不知道找谁诉说因为真的很怕得来的只是别人的嫌弃，也害怕自己只会打扰了别人毕竟大家都很忙很忙，都在为自己的生活奔波。有时候真的觉得到头来，人生还是一个人。也许身边很多人，可是正真陪你走完一生的是你自己，也就只有你自己。

我不知何时开始喜欢把心事都在心里想一遍就算了，感觉跟别人倾述只会得到鄙视嫌弃。

有时候真的会把有的没的从头到脚想一遍，

想完了，

就好了。

我很容易一些小事而笑，也很容易因为一些小事而不开心。

当然很珍惜那些让我不自主笑出来的人，你们也许是我认识了七八年的好朋友，也或许只是认识不过几个月的人，只是真的很谢谢有你们。至少，我很清楚知道自己也并非那么孤单无助。很谢谢那些为我的生活增添色彩的每一个人。虽然我每次搞犹豫的时候都觉得自己没朋友 （哈哈）但是真的想要你们都知道我真的很感谢每一个你。

20年以来经历了很多事情，很多我想要永远记住的，也有很多我想要永远忘记的。他们说每个出现在你生命的人都带着自己的使命，无论是好是坏，都是让你成为更好的一个人。

很谢谢那些让我渐渐变得更好的人，那些无论发生什么事都会是站在我这一边的人，有你们真好。还有一些我自认很重要的过客，谢谢你短暂的出现，在我的人生添了一个小污点。可是没关系，谢谢你让我说会要带眼识人，不要那么容易陷入心机重的人设下的陷阱。还有谢谢那个自从第一天认识就一直聊到现在的人，你明明在服军役却还是有时间就发信息给我，希望你的中文赶快说的滑溜溜的然后，等我回去找你喝杯咖啡。

明明说要更努力我却，
决定了好好享受剩下的假期。
不读书啦啊阿啊阿啊 （我好烂哦）

然后我也不知道自己胡言乱语写了什么，
好像feel来了想要写些东西，开始写了feel又不见了。

呵呵。