pouring out.

sixty fifth day.

I wouldn't say so far so good, because it is not.

If I have to question myself did I work hard for the first half of the semester, I would undoubtedly answer yes. So far, I have been trying my best to keep up with pre-class studies, handing in assignments on time, doing my best for quizzes, preparing for mid-terms but nothing seems to be in sync. I have put in efforts, a lot of efforts, but it seems like there was no output from the efforts I have made. Staying up to 2 at midnight has become a daily routine, setting at least 3 alarms to wake up at 7 in the morning to shower then continue with studies before going to class has become something so natural to do. My body seems to be adjusted to this kind of lifestyle, but my brain is not doing its job. Some told me that "Hey, studying or not studying in university does not make a difference, you fail anyway." Honestly, I don't believe in that until I actually experience it. It had been a long and tough 3 weeks, having to keep up with assignments, quizzes and classes but also prepare for midterms. I barely have time for myself, I barely have time to even take a long sleep for a night, depending on caffeine almost everyday to keep myself awake during classes. Yet, unable to do well in midterms. Of course, there is no one to blame, of course, it was my responsibility to face the reality. What bothers me the most is just, disappointment. I am disappointed at myself, I am even more sad because I have become a disappointment to people who loves me, to people who supports me. I feel sorry to my parents for sending me all the way here, yet I am unable to do well to repay them. Low scores actually did not bother me that much, I get over it, what bothers me the most was being unable to meet the expectations. I don't want to be a disappointment, I want to be someone my parents can proudly talk about, I want to be someone he feels proud of, I also want to be proud of myself. But, at this point, I really can't.

It has been more than two months, I can't blame the "adjusting phase" for not doing well anymore, I should already be adjusted and adapted. It feels like I have worked hard enough to deserve better, but life is not going the desired way.

Everything seems fine, heart is beating, I am still constantly inhaling and exhaling, everything seems beautiful, the weather is warm, the flowers are fully blossomed. But we all know, deep down in the heart, nothing is fine, things are not going towards the right direction, things are going backward. 

Nothing can be changed, anyway. 

All I can do now is continue to work harder, also try to figure out another more effective way to study. Midterms were over, results were finalised, the technology is not advanced enough to travel back in time. 

Its time to move on after finishing up this blog post.