29 april, i feel like the stupidest human being to put so much trust in you.
thank you for the memories, it had been a really happy three weeks to me but the consequences after that is too painful to bear. having to type this blog post actually hurts more than I think, logging in and saw two draft posts that were never published, it was the unfinished blog posts about the time we shared, the road we walked together, I still remember how you always look at me with the lovely gaze and tell me you like me so much, telling me you would treat me well, but promises aren't made to be broken. Yes, you were nice in the beginning, but not anymore. You left me hanging without knowing what should I do next, compared to me, exams and friends are your priorities. But to me, I always try to arrange time just for you, I changed the plan with friends because I know it is harder to spend time with you, you was my priority. I woke up thinking about you, I fall asleep having you last in my head.
Remember when we first met? It was so hard for me to make the decision to actually meet, and eventually I did agreed. Everything were beautiful, remember when you was so sweet to me? Remember when you noticed all the little things, you make my heart flutters. Remember when you came to see me without earlier notice? That was so surprising and I was really happy that day. Remember when I almost fell from the stairs and you caught me? Remember that you always pat my head, remember when you always touch the scar on my hand hoping it will heal soon, remember when I get to lean on your shoulder when I feel really tired, remember when we ate together and you cooked the meat and gave me the one that were not burnt, remember when you always make me walk at the inside of the road, and you would wrap your arms around my shoulder whenever we pass by a group of guys, remember we went for the Ferris wheel ride together wearing matching outfit? I realise I remember all the small little things we did together. I am not sure why the relationship will ended up this way, where I am the only one who constantly missed you, I am the only one who always text you good morning and good night, I am the only one who put in efforts.
I am tired, I am really tired from being the only one who cares in the relationship. Relationship never work out if it is only one-sided. Having to stand the loneliness during your exam period, I understand that you are busy and I did not say anything isn't. I tried my best to fully understand your situation, I convinced myself that everything will be fine after exam as you promised, but no. I don't know why you changed so much after an exam. My emotion went from disappointment, to insecurities, to anger, to worry but now I feel numb inside. It has been a hard week, not being able to do well in exams, having to face this relationship, my head has been hurting, my body feels sick even though I am completely fine, I feel okay, really okay but deep down, it feels like I am at the verge of breaking down. You are a beautiful dream with a miserable ending. I wouldn't hate you, I can't bear to hate you either. Relationships has never been easy to me, I thought this would turn out fine, I even thought of extending my stay after the semester to at least celebrate your birthday with you, I even thought of extending more until our hundred days anniversary, but I guess I will not have this worry now. I truly appreciated you, everything I said, everything I tell, was sincere. There are so many future plans we made together, you said you would visit Malaysia, you said we would go on a short trip on the coming long weekend, remember I said I want to watch a movie with you in the cinema, remember when we said to go cycle around taehwagang together when the spring flower blossoms. I thought we are going to go through four seasons together and go back to the cherry blossoms spot the next spring. I am glad that I stopped myself for buying cards and writing it to you, if I did, it will now be kept with me forever. If I say I am fine, I am obviously lying, how can I be fine. My heart aches, it is too heavy for me. Sometimes, I feel hard to breath, I know it's not from any physical problem but affected emotionally.
I always thought that I am not good enough for you, and some of you told me he is not good enough for me. After all, I guess it is true. Everyone has been telling me I deserve better, I deserve someone who is more sincere to me, I deserve someone who treats me better, you are the one who doesn't deserve me. I will try to move on as quick as possible, knowing there are more people who love me more than you, I will live my life for myself and for those who really care.
괜찮아 네가 없어도 잘 살고 있을거야 더 씩씩하게 더 당당하게. 이런 나만 보고싶은 나만 사랑하는 연애 계속 하는게 나한테 너무 힘들어 나만 울고 나만 슬프고 내가 힘들때 네가 바쁜가봐 알려줄 수 없어. 너 때문에 많이 울었지만 이제 안 할 거야. 잘 살아라. 나도 내 삶을 잘 살거니까. 그 동안 너무 아팠지만 고마웠어. 그때 네 얼굴만 봐도 기쁘고 즐거웠어. 이런 경험 상상도 못 했어. 예전에 아름다운 연애였는데 이제 행복한시간보다 아프고 힘든시간 활씬 많으니까 나도 그만 하고 싶어져. 같이 만든 예쁜 추억들이 잊지 못 할 것 같지만 잊어버린위해 노력해볼께. 같이 걸었던 길도 다시 지나가면 꼭 생각날 것 같아. 그래도 함드니까 이제 그만하고 싶어. 친구들이 다 이렇게 말했어, 오늘까지 슬퍼도돼 오늘까지 미치게 울어도 돼, 앞으로 네 생각하지 말고 자기위해만 산대. 그렇게 할게. 나도 행복하게 살고 싶어. 이런 일상에서 도망가고 싶어.
그래서,
잘 가.
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