two thousand eighteen.

又不知不觉来到了十二月，说实在的今年过得真的很快。一直想着大学要读四年才会读完可是就这样一年过去了，也就这样 freshman year 结束了。今年有三分二的日子都是在外国，但其实我并没有我想象中的那么想家，也因为这样而发现其实自己也还蛮独立的。我也不知道是哪来的勇气自己一个人出国读书，可是在哪里认识了跟我一样离开家独自一人到国外留学的朋友，所以其实也没什么大不了。我想说这机会来的不易，也是我多年以来的梦想，所以应该好好珍惜好好享受留学的日子。当然这期间有很多不顺心的事，有很多事情都并不像我想象中的那么完美，那么无忧无虑。学校的课业常常赶不上，一直比别人付出了更多却得不到理想的成绩。也时常因为这样怀疑自己的选择，也许留在本地不会那么幸苦，也许留在本地就不需要花更多是时间去适应外国的生活。在外国生活，需要自己去处理的事情太多了，无论做什么都要自己亲力亲为，不能一开口问爸妈就有答案了。可是抛开这些，我觉得我是开心的，留学的日子真的很开心。寒假回来马来西亚我就立马想念韩国了，我不知道我是喜欢那里的环境还是喜欢那里的人，也许都喜欢吧。

春夏秋冬，一年四季是在马来西亚体验不到的，这也是我想出国留学的其中一个原因。虽然每换一个季节就要买一些新衣服真的搞到我很穷，可是亲眼目睹季节变化是一种幸福。还记得第一次过去的时候一边光秃秃的山坡，校园里的树都只剩下树干。然后开着春天的到来，树干上突然多了一些刚盛开的花，然后樱花就盛开了，在去上课的路上都是满满的樱花，真的心情在不好都会突然变好。白色樱花随着日子过去有一些渐渐凋谢了，有一些慢慢变成了粉色，其实真的满神奇的。但其实樱花大概一个星期就凋谢了，又剩下光溜溜的树干。可是随着时间流逝，树上又布满了青色的叶子，而这一个阶段维持了比较长一段时间直达夏天过去。放了个暑假，回去的时候就是秋天了，秋天真的很棒。看着叶子的颜色慢慢从绿色变成黄色再变成褐色，有一些也变成了红色在慢慢凋谢。也许对当地人来说一点都不稀奇，可是对我而言这个过程真的很疗愈，很让人怦然心动。然后天气慢慢的转凉，冬天已悄悄的到来了。冬天也没想象中的那么可怕，其实衣服穿对了就不会太冷。也因为这个冬天我严重爱上了围巾，感觉围巾完全是一个可以让人从快冻死了到好温暖的阶段。寒假回来，一抵达马来西亚我觉得我快被热得融化了也在那一瞬间我发觉我宁愿冷也不愿意热。

spring ・ 봄 ・ 春

summer ・ 여름 ・ 夏

autumn ・ 가을 ・ 秋

winter ・ 겨울 ・ 冬

end of year 1 - freshman year.
being forced to do every fundamental subjects that I have zero interest in, no matter how hard I tried, I still ended up with bad grades, times like that were definitely demotivating. There were times when I just wanted to give up studying because even if I spend two to three hours per day trying to understand calculus, I know clearly that midterms and finals are still going to be bad. I repeated the physics homework problems for at least three times each chapters but still unable to solve the problems in exams. I felt devastated, I felt like everything were against my will, I felt like even if I put in 101% of efforts, the outcome wouldn't be even 10%. Sometimes, I ask myself is it worth it to study? Or I shall just focus on some other subjects that I have confident in. But I couldn't just give up cooly, I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't even try my best. I guess these were the hardest part of freshman year, but thankfully it is over now. (lets pray that ill pass the subjects).

2018 wasn't easy for me, I cried after overthinking in the middle of the night. I cried because no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't achieve my goal. Sometimes I hate myself for being such a cry baby but I can't help, at least it feels much better after crying out the stress that were being built up in my heart. First half of 2018 was really tough, being alone in a foreign country, having only a few friends by my side, being betrayed and cheated on, needing to adapt to the new living and learning environment.

Later half of 2018, thank you for being a part of my life, giving me motivation to continue in the hardest time. I hesitated in the beginning, but I am glad that I was willing to hold your hand, I was willing to trust again. Thank you for making me feel loved all the time, thank you for letting me know that I made a right choice. I don't know what brought us together, but I am glad that I met you. Being supportive on my studies, helping me in studies even though you have to study everything again before teaching me, giving me warm hugs and kisses on my cheeks, held my hand tightly all the time, these are the little things that made me fall in love with you a little more everyday. Instead of only telling me everything is goin to be fine, you helped me to solve the problems I faced together. You're definitely not the most romantic person, but thank you for being you when you're with me. I love you for who you are. You said that you're a rough person but I don't think so, you might not be as attentive or gentle, but I know you're trying your best. But let's be honest, I noticed that you really improved a lot compared to when we first met. Remember when I was sick before mid terms, you came over and handed me a box of honey yuzu tea. Actions are definitely better than empty words. I love how you're so passionate in coffee, it motivates me search for something that I find passion in, too. I love how you constantly improve yourself, I love how you're such a wholly shaped person. Loving you makes me want to be a better person day by day. And this is really the kind of relationship I desire. Constantly motivating each other to be someone better and become each other's motivation. We both know clearly that it will not be easy, when you continue your studies in Seoul, we couldn't meet as often. When it's finally summer or vacation break, I'll have to go home. But, we will be able to do well right? I wanted to exchange letter with you before going home, so I told you about it and you told me you planned to do it even though if I didn't tell you about it. That's when I fall in love with you a little deeper, I know that you're not the type who would do this but you actually thought of it! It makes me feel so loved and appreciated.

이대로 잘 할수 있겠지. 앞으로 무슨일이 있어도 손 꽉 잡고 같이 걷자.
같이 있으면 무서운일이 없다.

2019,
it will finally be the year for me to begin my sophomore year which means I am finally a student majoring in biological science. I see it as a fresh start, general studies had been hard to me. I believe it wouldn't be any easier but ill continue to strive my best. No excuses like "I have no interest in it" anymore, it is what I chose. I'll promise myself to do much better than freshman year.

우리, 계속 화이팅하자.

sem 2 week 1.

回来了，我的第二个家。

对自己有一个小承诺，希望自己这个学期可以多交点朋友，不要把自己关在一个小圈圈。有时觉得，既然出国留学了，就真的不要约束自己是时候突破自己。一直以来都属于比较内向的性格吧，除非我跟你很熟那我大概就是一个超疯狂的人。大概不太会主动去认识人，然后过来跟我讲话的人我都把它们归类为奇怪的人类，（我好像才是那个奇怪的人类）。感觉有时候把人与人的关系想得太复杂了，也可能是因为从小到大就被教育要离陌生人远一点。

走在路上就被人拦住说什么我赢了第三奖可是我明明就没做了什么，感觉就是一个奇怪的人所以一直要撇开谁知道他一直跟，跟着。当时其实真的是堂皇的，我说我该怎么办。可是后来发现是一家通信公司所有就有点妥协了，可是还是不太想跟过去就说啊，诶 其实我是外国人。然后他接着说外国人也没关系啊。最后聊了一下，还被误会为日本人？

回来见的第一个人是我的室友啦啦啦啦～就突然约了见面，一起吃了晚餐然后逛了逛。我们也终于拍了上个学期一直想拍的那种西连拍！

然后，第二个见的人！一起聊天聊了两三个月的欧巴。中间也偶尔通过电话，一通电话就一个小时左右。感觉在网络上认识了那么多人，他大概是最投缘的吧。一起吃了午餐然后因为下雨没办法找咖啡厅喝咖啡只好去星巴克。 感觉我们还蛮好聊的，很怕只是我单方面的自我感觉良好然后我们就再也不见面了。可是可是，他过了几天就约了我他休假的时候见面。

然后，也不知道最近怎么了。好多人突然信息我，就真的那种在学校见过面从来没说过话的。其实是真的有点恐怖，就，感觉被监视了。

8/31，
第一次喝烧酒了，有一位韩国人朋友一起温习英文和微积分，过后就问要不要一起去喝酒。结果，我们答应了。11点左右出发，然后才猛然发现学校范围里竟然有4-5间술집（饮酒的地方，不是夜店ok）一起去了结果就第一次喝了烧酒，其实我发现我还蛮喜欢的。难道我是隐藏的酒鬼吗 呵呵。烧酒和桃子烧酒，桃子烧酒就一个果汁的味道。两个一起混着喝真的还蛮好喝的。喝完了去附近走走吹风然后回到学校大家一起吃了冰淇淋，坐在亭子里聊天聊到了凌晨3点。我感觉我也真的明白为什么他们都说在韩国，喝酒真的可以促进关系。一起聊了很多，也真的很开心。这种经验真的真的很难得。

第一个星期的课，就这样过去啦。

下个星期正式进入地狱式生活。呵呵。

twenty.

正式迈入二十岁的生活，

是要变得更坚强，更成熟，还是更努力。

其实对于二十岁的自己，我真的觉得很迷茫。

总觉得，应该变得越来越好，可是偶尔也觉得自己变得越来越敏感，容易为一些事情忧郁上一整天，有时候甚至因为自己的小情绪导致身边的人都不喜欢自己。也许是真的过于敏感，把没有的事情都在脑袋里加盐加醋篇了一部伤感电影。只是觉得，偶尔有些小情绪一不小心流露出来大家就觉得你很白目，你很无聊，只是觉得每个人都有不开心想发泄的时候吧。我很努力真的只想把自己的正能量传达出去，可是我也会累，我也有想发发脾气，发发牢骚的时候，可是每一次这样，得到的不是关心而是对方的冷漠。明明身边很多朋友，可是有时候真的找不到一个可以陪我谈心的人。累了，不知道找谁诉说因为真的很怕得来的只是别人的嫌弃，也害怕自己只会打扰了别人毕竟大家都很忙很忙，都在为自己的生活奔波。有时候真的觉得到头来，人生还是一个人。也许身边很多人，可是正真陪你走完一生的是你自己，也就只有你自己。

我不知何时开始喜欢把心事都在心里想一遍就算了，感觉跟别人倾述只会得到鄙视嫌弃。

有时候真的会把有的没的从头到脚想一遍，

想完了，

就好了。

我很容易一些小事而笑，也很容易因为一些小事而不开心。

当然很珍惜那些让我不自主笑出来的人，你们也许是我认识了七八年的好朋友，也或许只是认识不过几个月的人，只是真的很谢谢有你们。至少，我很清楚知道自己也并非那么孤单无助。很谢谢那些为我的生活增添色彩的每一个人。虽然我每次搞犹豫的时候都觉得自己没朋友 （哈哈）但是真的想要你们都知道我真的很感谢每一个你。

20年以来经历了很多事情，很多我想要永远记住的，也有很多我想要永远忘记的。他们说每个出现在你生命的人都带着自己的使命，无论是好是坏，都是让你成为更好的一个人。

很谢谢那些让我渐渐变得更好的人，那些无论发生什么事都会是站在我这一边的人，有你们真好。还有一些我自认很重要的过客，谢谢你短暂的出现，在我的人生添了一个小污点。可是没关系，谢谢你让我说会要带眼识人，不要那么容易陷入心机重的人设下的陷阱。还有谢谢那个自从第一天认识就一直聊到现在的人，你明明在服军役却还是有时间就发信息给我，希望你的中文赶快说的滑溜溜的然后，等我回去找你喝杯咖啡。

明明说要更努力我却，
决定了好好享受剩下的假期。
不读书啦啊阿啊阿啊 （我好烂哦）

然后我也不知道自己胡言乱语写了什么，
好像feel来了想要写些东西，开始写了feel又不见了。

呵呵。

end of semester 01.

hundred twenty days in south korea, end of first semester that lasted for sixteen weeks.

countless of precious memories were made, 

experienced a lot of those that I couldn't experience living in my home country, 

I smiled a lot but at the same time, I cried a lot. 

There were times when I really just want escape from reality and go home, but strangely, being at the airport now, I am starting to feel sad for going home, there are obviously more reasons to go home but there is a strong urge in me wanting to stay. At some point, I felt regret for coming here but hey, made through sixteen weeks strongly. Too many things happened in this period, being alone in a foreign country is not as easy, but it had been great to have friends around to support me and honestly, it had been a really great month with you.

Went on trips, Busan and Kimhae, it was really fun to travel around, going on wrong buses and we just laughed our ass off without complaining. Being two dumb and dumber who has really bad sense of direction, we can't help but to get on and off the buses every single trip. It has been a really great semester with my one and only partner, sounds so sad but two of us basically hangs out together all the time. I can't imagine how lonely my first semester would be without your accompany.

17 credits are not that much but suffered a lot because almost 60% of them are a new subject to me.

Artificial Intelligence Programming I, 

Calculus I, 

Chemistry I,

Physics I, 

Chemistry Laboratory I,

Physics Laboratory I, 

Humanities Subject - Understanding Korea.

Honestly, it was really hard to me.
Most of them have basics knowledge in AIP but for me it was really starting from zero. No idea how to print a sentence out, no idea how to do maths with python, it was difficult from the first class until the very last class. Reading the materials given by professors and watching the videos (and fell asleep half way ended up have to replay several times) makes me feel like I do understand them but I just can't solve the quizzes every time. Calculus was total nightmare to me, maths was all about doing calculations to me but suddenly it becomes making explanations and reasonings. Whenever I do revision, it feels like I do understand the definitions and applications but every time a new questions came, I wasn't able to make connections. Chemistry was considered the subject that stressed me out the less, remember when I used to hate chemistry so much? It became my favorite from all of the subjects I did in this semester. Physics was so-so, being able to solve most questions from homework and group problem solving sessions but unable to solve quizzes and exams that actually matters (: sometimes, I just want to shoot myself in the head. Chemistry lab session was fun with my two korean group mates, the senior was so sweet she even treated me ice cream in a hot hot day! Physics lab session was (urm.... bad) in the sense of having a group mate that gives me headache but thankfully my buddy made it up! Also, the teaching assistant who are really friendly! Humanities class which I almost gave up on the first class because I didn't expect its about korean history and literatures, thought its going to be boring but hey, it turns out pretty enjoyable and learnt a lot about korea. Had a chance to talk about the difference between malaysia and korea as our final project was absolutely interesting. Honestly, this was the only class where I was able to make friends from other majors. Especially meeting the senior who are so helpful and friendly, I am sincerely thankful about it. 선배님에게 진짜 감사한말을 알려주고 싶다 ㅠㅠ 카톡으로 알려줬는데 뭔가 부족한 것 같기도 하고~ ㅠㅠ

About him,
There was 2 draft posts that were not completed but it make no sense to publish now since its over. I was naive, I trusted you too easily, I made the decision too quickly.

我曾很天真的以为你的一字一句都是真心诚意，也许吧，也许一开始有那么一瞬间是真的，可是我不知从何时开始觉得你看我的眼神慢慢变了。当时我觉得是自己想太多，是自己太敏感都说服自己没事 是自己太敏感了。可是现在回想起来，女人的直觉真的还蛮准确的。你一开始很贴心，你一开始很懂的关心，每次早上起床看到你的早安信息是最开心的事情，比你迟睡你总会让我睡的时候告诉你一声。可是渐渐的，你慢慢变得不会一起床就给我一个早安，有时我甚至觉得也许你还没起床，可是最后发现你起来了却一个早安都没有其实心里真的是痛的。也许有些人会觉得一个早安，没什么。可是你知道吗，这些变化真的令我很害怕。我只知道如果你真的喜欢一个人每天早上醒来最先想起的一定会是他。渐渐的你信息回复得慢，好，我不抱怨。我选择包容。我选择理解你。你开始还会发给我爱心，最后你什么都不发了，即使我发了，你也好像盲了看不见一样。最后，因为一个考试就这样拆散了我们。我不知道我该怪考试还是怪你，还是怪自己的天真。因为考试，我们没见面了三个星期。好不容易捱过了考试，我们约了三次，你爽约了三次。隔两天，你提出分手。可是你知道吗，你的每一次爽约，我都哭了。第三次的时候，我真的察觉到不对劲，我哭了好多次，我让自己不哭，可是我做不到。你说你不舒服需要去医院所以不能赴约，你知道我看到信息的时候担心真的多于愤怒。你需要去医院的原因明明可以让我大闹一场脾气可是我因为担心不闹，还一直问你有没有好点了 可不可以过去看你，而你，信息不看，电话不接，你就让我在这里瞎担心。最后，我哭了两天，整整两天，眼睛肿得恐怖。到最后看到你分手信息，我眼泪都流不出来了。

我曾以为你很贴心，可是到最后才发现你对我其实一点都不上心。

因为认识了一个朋友，我们还蛮好聊的。也真的因为他，让我发现你真的不太看重我。我发现你以前除了去运动，去学校，基本上都不会跟我说你去哪里。有时约你早上你说不得空有事情要忙，问你什么事，你也从来不交代都草草带过，我也真的拿出了我最大的包容觉得，好吧，个人空间还是要有的。可是你知道吗，就一个朋友，我不问他会自己来跟我分享今天都做了什么，明天有什么计划。我生病跟他说他每天最问病情一直让我去看医生，而你，我记得有一次跟你说不舒服你也就当天关心了一下过后就没了这回事，可是你生病的时候我真的每天都在担心。那时候你跟朋友去玩，我让你拍拍照给我看，而你没有。可是这朋友，发了好多照片给我，早餐 午餐 晚餐 住宿 甚至跟朋友的照片都发给我看。我就真的突然发现为什么一个朋友可以这样对我而你，身为男朋友却做不到。你也好像从来不接我的电话，一开始还跟我说你一定会接，可是你从来不接。明明跟你一起的时候你看到朋友的未接电话你也会打一通回去，可是你从来不回电给我。我们好像真的只通过一次电话，还是我问你可不可以通电话过后，而那通电话也不长。可是你懂吗，这朋友我们一通电话半个小时。他无聊没事就问我要不要通电话。我跟他聊的一通电话已经远远超过了跟你。

也不是想做比较只是好像真的到了最后，我才恍然大悟，好像我从来不在你心里一样。

曾经以为我们可以一起去赏第二个樱花，可是我们连一个春天都没熬过。

studying aboard for the very first semester taught me a lot, it definitely forced me to be more independent, being at home, putting the dirty clothes in the laundry basket and they'll magically be washed and folded neatly then being kept in my wardrobe. but leaving without family means I have to do it on my own, forcing myself to wake up early on saturday morning to do laundry then fold and hang them nicely back into the wardrobe. eating alone is no longer something I feel ashamed or stressed to do, I learnt to enjoy time alone and I realize I would rather do things alone than wasting time to wait. I really hate it when my schedule being delayed just because of the endless waiting and waiting so I chose to do a lot of things alone.

and,
I began to realize the beauty of being alone.
it makes me calm, and somehow,
makes my mind clear.

well of course,
I still enjoy spending time meeting people.

to summarize,
it had been a great four months,
and definitely, more precious memories shall be make.

#started this post in airport, but only ended it now.

thirty eight.

23 march, the day you make me feel like the happiest human alive.
29 april, i feel like the stupidest human being to put so much trust in you.

thank you for the memories, it had been a really happy three weeks to me but the consequences after that is too painful to bear. having to type this blog post actually hurts more than I think, logging in and saw two draft posts that were never published, it was the unfinished blog posts about the time we shared, the road we walked together, I still remember how you always look at me with the lovely gaze and tell me you like me so much, telling me you would treat me well, but promises aren't made to be broken. Yes, you were nice in the beginning, but not anymore. You left me hanging without knowing what should I do next, compared to me, exams and friends are your priorities. But to me, I always try to arrange time just for you, I changed the plan with friends because I know it is harder to spend time with you, you was my priority. I woke up thinking about you, I fall asleep having you last in my head.

Remember when we first met? It was so hard for me to make the decision to actually meet, and eventually I did agreed. Everything were beautiful, remember when you was so sweet to me? Remember when you noticed all the little things, you make my heart flutters. Remember when you came to see me without earlier notice? That was so surprising and I was really happy that day. Remember when I almost fell from the stairs and you caught me? Remember that you always pat my head, remember when you always touch the scar on my hand hoping it will heal soon, remember when I get to lean on your shoulder when I feel really tired, remember when we ate together and you cooked the meat and gave me the one that were not burnt, remember when you always make me walk at the inside of the road, and you would wrap your arms around my shoulder whenever we pass by a group of guys, remember we went for the Ferris wheel ride together wearing matching outfit? I realise I remember all the small little things we did together. I am not sure why the relationship will ended up this way, where I am the only one who constantly missed you, I am the only one who always text you good morning and good night, I am the only one who put in efforts.

I am tired, I am really tired from being the only one who cares in the relationship. Relationship never work out if it is only one-sided. Having to stand the loneliness during your exam period, I understand that you are busy and I did not say anything isn't. I tried my best to fully understand your situation, I convinced myself that everything will be fine after exam as you promised, but no. I don't know why you changed so much after an exam. My emotion went from disappointment, to insecurities, to anger, to worry but now I feel numb inside. It has been a hard week, not being able to do well in exams, having to face this relationship, my head has been hurting, my body feels sick even though I am completely fine,  I feel okay, really okay but deep down, it feels like I am at the verge of breaking down. You are a beautiful dream with a miserable ending. I wouldn't hate you, I can't bear to hate you either. Relationships has never been easy to me, I thought this would turn out fine, I even thought of extending my stay after the semester to at least celebrate your birthday with you, I even thought of extending more until our hundred days anniversary, but I guess I will not have this worry now. I truly appreciated you, everything I said, everything I tell, was sincere. There are so many future plans we made together, you said you would visit Malaysia, you said we would go on a short trip on the coming long weekend, remember I said I want to watch a movie with you in the cinema, remember when we said to go cycle around taehwagang together when the spring flower blossoms. I thought we are going to go through four seasons together and go back to the cherry blossoms spot the next spring. I am glad that I stopped myself for buying cards and writing it to you, if I did, it will now be kept with me forever. If I say I am fine, I am obviously lying, how can I be fine. My heart aches, it is too heavy for me. Sometimes, I feel hard to breath, I know it's not from any physical problem but affected emotionally.

I always thought that I am not good enough for you, and some of you told me he is not good enough for me. After all, I guess it is true. Everyone has been telling me I deserve better, I deserve someone who is more sincere to me, I deserve someone who treats me better, you are the one who doesn't deserve me. I will try to move on as quick as possible, knowing there are more people who love me more than you, I will live my life for myself and for those who really care.

괜찮아 네가 없어도 잘 살고 있을거야 더 씩씩하게 더 당당하게. 이런 나만 보고싶은 나만 사랑하는 연애 계속 하는게 나한테 너무 힘들어 나만 울고 나만 슬프고 내가 힘들때 네가 바쁜가봐 알려줄 수 없어. 너 때문에 많이 울었지만 이제 안 할 거야. 잘 살아라. 나도 내 삶을 잘 살거니까. 그 동안 너무 아팠지만 고마웠어. 그때 네 얼굴만 봐도 기쁘고 즐거웠어. 이런 경험 상상도 못 했어. 예전에 아름다운 연애였는데 이제 행복한시간보다 아프고 힘든시간 활씬 많으니까 나도 그만 하고 싶어져. 같이 만든 예쁜 추억들이 잊지 못 할 것 같지만 잊어버린위해 노력해볼께. 같이 걸었던 길도 다시 지나가면 꼭 생각날 것 같아. 그래도 함드니까 이제 그만하고 싶어. 친구들이 다 이렇게 말했어, 오늘까지 슬퍼도돼 오늘까지 미치게 울어도 돼, 앞으로 네 생각하지 말고 자기위해만 산대. 그렇게 할게. 나도 행복하게 살고 싶어. 이런 일상에서 도망가고 싶어.

그래서,
잘 가.

pouring out.

sixty fifth day.

I wouldn't say so far so good, because it is not.

If I have to question myself did I work hard for the first half of the semester, I would undoubtedly answer yes. So far, I have been trying my best to keep up with pre-class studies, handing in assignments on time, doing my best for quizzes, preparing for mid-terms but nothing seems to be in sync. I have put in efforts, a lot of efforts, but it seems like there was no output from the efforts I have made. Staying up to 2 at midnight has become a daily routine, setting at least 3 alarms to wake up at 7 in the morning to shower then continue with studies before going to class has become something so natural to do. My body seems to be adjusted to this kind of lifestyle, but my brain is not doing its job. Some told me that "Hey, studying or not studying in university does not make a difference, you fail anyway." Honestly, I don't believe in that until I actually experience it. It had been a long and tough 3 weeks, having to keep up with assignments, quizzes and classes but also prepare for midterms. I barely have time for myself, I barely have time to even take a long sleep for a night, depending on caffeine almost everyday to keep myself awake during classes. Yet, unable to do well in midterms. Of course, there is no one to blame, of course, it was my responsibility to face the reality. What bothers me the most is just, disappointment. I am disappointed at myself, I am even more sad because I have become a disappointment to people who loves me, to people who supports me. I feel sorry to my parents for sending me all the way here, yet I am unable to do well to repay them. Low scores actually did not bother me that much, I get over it, what bothers me the most was being unable to meet the expectations. I don't want to be a disappointment, I want to be someone my parents can proudly talk about, I want to be someone he feels proud of, I also want to be proud of myself. But, at this point, I really can't.

It has been more than two months, I can't blame the "adjusting phase" for not doing well anymore, I should already be adjusted and adapted. It feels like I have worked hard enough to deserve better, but life is not going the desired way.

Everything seems fine, heart is beating, I am still constantly inhaling and exhaling, everything seems beautiful, the weather is warm, the flowers are fully blossomed. But we all know, deep down in the heart, nothing is fine, things are not going towards the right direction, things are going backward. 

Nothing can be changed, anyway. 

All I can do now is continue to work harder, also try to figure out another more effective way to study. Midterms were over, results were finalised, the technology is not advanced enough to travel back in time. 

Its time to move on after finishing up this blog post.

departing.

아마도..
한국유학 가기 전의 마지막 글이다.

기분이 복잡한 것 같다.

너무 기대되지만
걱정도 되게네.

유학생활이 어떻게 되는지 매우 궁금하다.

看着离开的那一天越来越近了，嗯，真的开始担心看是害怕。甚至在某个瞬间觉得是不是不去了，觉得只是自己一直以来固执的梦想。原以为顺利入学了就会有方向感，可是我偶尔觉得好像突然遗失了方向。最终做的这个选择，到底是不是对的。至今还是会有时不时的彷徨犹豫。我不知道该说自己长大了，想得更远，还是说长大了，不再只看到眼前的快乐还在脑海里想多了很多“如果”、“万一”。到底是变得更成熟，会为未来顾虑，还是变得越来越胆小，常常都担心这个担心那个。虽然说船到桥头自然直，可是，万一我找不到桥呢。其实心情很复杂只是我从来都不把他表现出来，我很期待，可是也很害怕。别人都觉得我真的很开心因为这是我一直以来的梦，可是心里却有一堆只有自己知道的焦虑。从来都不是一个矫情的人，尤其是对家人。想要表现得坚强，希望他们别担心。也就快二十岁了，离开家也没什么好怕的吧，可是对于一个从来没有一个人在外地生存的我而言，其实还蛮可怕的。自己做的决定就真的不要再怀疑了，现在反悔大概也来不及了吧。机票买了，酒店定了，deposit也交了，要公证的资料也东奔西跑地做了，行李也整理好了，全都准备好了，就只有我还没准备好。

说实在，以前真的没想过自己会有那么多的担心，那时候只担心不能去留学。现在可以了，反而担心得不想去了。

反复不定。

偶尔又觉得，终于实现了这个不太平凡的梦。

可以在自己喜欢的国度，读着自己喜欢的课程，多好。虽然没有熟悉的朋友没有家人的温暖可是我相信在哪里，可以找到跟自己合拍的第二个家庭。认识不同的人，去氛围很棒的咖啡馆，体会不同的季节，看不同的风景，多么难得。

相信把东西搞好，安顿下来了心里就会安稳一些。

其实也很感谢啦，一开始爸爸不太同意去那里留学因为都要读韩文，也许会很辛苦。可是最后被一间英文教学的科技学校录取真的很开心。

相信在哪里我也可以慢慢发觉那第五城市的美丽奥妙。

希望，
一切顺利，留学快乐。