things are getting hard but i can get through them

明明还有一堆事情等着我去做可是就突然觉得是时候写写部落格了。

也许是因为最近太多事情不顺心，我也不知道可以在那里诉苦。

在推特上感觉太矫情，也觉得好像不太合适所以就回到了被我遗忘已久的部落格。

这个假期的实习也就剩下最后一个星期了，原以为可以轻松度过最后一个星期可是却压力三大。星期六还要回去把事情做完，嗯，就觉得好累。要是实验都可以顺顺利利那就应该还好可是最近感觉在实验上花的时间和力气都白费就越来越自暴自弃。做了那么多也得不到期望的结果，比起说肉体上的疲惫，精神上的疲惫才是让我觉得喘不过气的原因吧。要是实验可以成功那么一次，那该有多好。也许这就是研究生的日常吧。如果以后真的决定读硕士那也要学着去接受这样的日常吧。星期五还有一场演讲要把这个假期的进度报告给研究室的人，嗯，感觉我都只做了一堆废东西。其实教授很希望我可以在下学期也继续在研究室工作但是我觉得我真的忙不过来。开始上课的话需要花很多时间去学习然而实验都花很长的时间，而且最困难的事我真的很难把上课的时间和实验的时间安排得刚刚好。一部分的我觉得我有这个责任去把我现在负责的项目做好可是另一部分的我清楚明白我肯定会后悔这个决定。上一次尝试了一次，结果就是上课的时候一直担心研究室的东西，在研究室的时候就担心上课的东西 搞得我自己都快崩溃了。所以这次决定自私点让自己好过点吧，不然我真的会疯掉。

其实我也不知道为什么这个星期真的特别的down 每个晚上都很想哭，就真的是工作到一半突然鼻尖酸酸的然后眼泪就开始在眼眶里打滚了。最近也没有特别遇到什么大难题 只不过太多太多不顺心的小事情 导致我有点平衡不了。每个晚上一个人在宿舍都很希望自己可以在外面租个小房子可以有自己的厨房，自己的洗手间，属于自己的一个小空间。试着跟妈妈商量却被果断拒绝了，可是真的这个念头一直都在而且越来越强大。希望我可以好好地撑多10个月吧 :) 

想要赶快去个旅行放放假，短暂的旅行也好。

short update.

it has been a long time since i sat down and decided to blog.

well, i was just feeling it today so here's a little update and just my personal thoughts i guess?

it has been a strange year, a pandemic that threatens millions life, a pandemic that makes me realize how fragile are humans and how selfish can a person be, but at the same time, it also makes me realize that together, we can stop the situation from getting worst. 

it hasn't been that difficult for me, i expected to stay during the summer vacation for my internship so it wasn't in my plan to go home. well, i was initially planning to go home for a week or two, but i guess i will not be able to do that now. i am lucky to have my friends, and my boyfriend by my side in korea and thankfully, the situation is korea is under control. i miss my family and friends in malaysia, and my two little puppies but all i wish right now is everyone to stay healthy. going to the airport is risky, flying on a plane for six hours is also risky, i don't want to bring the virus back and spread it to my family especially my old grandmother may not be able to fight with this virus. 

so i guess staying here is the best for me and my loved one. 

oh, and i have been cooking for almost 2 months! i failed a few times but it was also really fun to cook and eat what i crave for! instead of eating in the cafeteria or just from a convenient store, it is so much better to cook by myself! a simple and hearty meal always warm my tummy after a hectic day. working in the lab was enjoyable but at the same time it's tiring on someday with long experiments. i worked overtime a few days, one time until 9pm? that day was crazy! i get really frustrated sometimes because it is not even because i am slow.. but i have to wait for the purification process yeap, drop by drop. and it just takes a crazy amount of time! also, working in a lab make me realize why research takes up to years! before you can actually perform a certain experiment, you have to first synthesize what you need if it is not available, and for me, i have a synthesize mutated polymerase, introducing mutation to a plasmid is not difficult, it can be done in a week but.. protein purification takes forever! i have also decided to continue with my lab internship, well to gain experience and also i want to finish my current project! (at the same time earn some income to buy things that i want ㅠㅠ since it will be online semester, let's hope it will be do-a-ble! :) its summer in korea, stepping into fall soon, a season that i love! beautiful scenery, with perfect weather! i wish we could all breathe in the cooling autumn air without having the need to wear a mask soon! during last semester, i was able to travel to seoul once a month, and stay over for five days or so. it was great and i enjoyed every single time, but this semester, maybe not since i will be working in the lab but i guess a short weekend trip to seoul wouldn't hurt that much! there's a malaysian's restaurant in hong-dae, owned by a malaysian and i really want to try the food there, all the reviews said the food tastes just like authentic malaysian cuisine! (well, a lil over priced but guess this is the living standard here! because of this, i was inspired to make nasi lemak, and also, so coincidently, my friend decided to "prank" me with a rice cooker as a birthday present. i was totally speechless when i saw my name written on a box of rice cooker, i was praying that it is not mine, i was just someone with the same name... but yes it was mine. i was literally shouting inside for a while now, but to think about it now, i will just make use of it and cook some nasi lemak! i managed to buy sambal online let's hope it will taste good (finger crossed) i miss the taste of malaysia food so bad! especially granny's cooking yum yum. 

nasi lemak w/ sambal shrimp!

i am stepping into my sixth semester in a week, and i am not sure what to feel about it.

i am excited but at the same time, i am scared. it means it's almost the time to think about what do i want to do after graduating from my bachelor degree. do i want to continue with master degree? or do i want to work in a company? honestly, the idea of working in a company, dealing with many people with my not so fluent korean is so stressful. but it is a process of growing up right? or maybe i will end up continuing master degree and work in a lab heh, comfort zone. oh yes, talking about lab! i did a presentation to kind-of give a conclusion for my summer internship. i received so many good feedback from other students and professors, and i am so so so happy know that i did a not bad job! a master student told me the presentation was easy to understand and i know what i have been doing all this while, and i did not look nervous during the presentation. we also had dinner with section heads from our branch, i heard this was the first time that interns were invited to have dinner together. (maybe we did a great job! hehe)

i have decided to take a week break before a new semester begins! so i guess ill spend this week mostly in my bed, hopefully i will be motivated to study in advance and prepare for the sem (unlikely......) 

 

guess that's all for today,

bye! 

twenty one.

twenty-one year old symbolize growing up and entering another phase of life.
learning to be more mature, to be more responsible, to be a better person.

twenty-one year old birthday celebration, well, not really.

I was busy on my birthday, my parents weren't home, so there wasn't any celebration on my actual birthday. I would say it feels just like a usual day to me but of course, I am thankful for those who remembered my birthday and wishes me. Thank you for making me a birthday video as well, even though we weren't able to celebrate together (well, we did celebrate in advance but it didn't feel like it was a birthday celebration since it was wAAAY before the actual day). Honestly, I feel slightly sad since it's my twenty-first birthday and we all know how important it is. It just felt a little bit like one piece of the puzzle from my life is not being completed. But well, it is over anyway and let's just be grateful for what I had!

Thank you for the belated celebration, at least I heard an actual birthday song for my twenty-first. At least I had a group of friends to celebrate with me. I was quite surprised as I thought it was just a dinner with three of you but turns out more people came! Thank you for everything. Being away to study aboard means I am unable to celebrate my best sisters' birthday together, but I really appreciate how we still manage to meet up and have a celebration together, belated or in advance.

感觉人生其中一个幸运就是有你们这班中学时期的朋友，但愿以后的日子也会有你们的参与。

I am proud that I have achieved one of my goal in life which is studying aboard, and most importantly in the place that I wanted to go the most. I am really lucky to finally meet the person I love so much, tho, in an unexpected way. I feel loved to have all these people who are always by my side since middle schools, since college, and since someday in the latter half of 2018. And most importantly, my family who always support me.

Honestly, I am beyond happy and grateful that I was given the chance to spend my university year abroad. It wasn't an easy chance, I worked hard for high school final exam and A-Level just to pave a way that will possibly lead me to achieve my dream. Along the way, some friends have the same dream as me, everyone around me has their dream, it may lead to different places in the world but us, it is the same dream we have. We helped each other along the way, supported each other's dream and I'm really glad that most of us did it in the end. Some went to medical schools, some went overseas, some did exchange programs, but everyone is doing what they love now, and that's what important.

I have also recently volunteered in a Korean education fair for two days, apparently, it was on my birthday and that is why I didn't get to celebrate with anyone. But I guess it is a great experience on my twenty-first birthday. That one thing that gave me the greatest impression was seeing the students who are so passionate about going to a university in Korea, and those who are shy to approach, it was like a flashback from 2 years ago when I visited the Korean education fair. 2 years later, I am sitting at one of the university's booth as representative to give students information and guidelines. Whenever the admission team staff told the students who came to our booth that there are only 2 Malaysian students and one of them is me, along with another graduate student, they looked at me with a very amazing look. To be honest, I feel a little bit proud to be part of the university and it feels like all the hard work does pay off. Some parents asked me how was it when I first entered the university, I told them honestly. It wasn't easy for me, I took some time to adjust to the way of studies, the format of exams and also the syllabus. Social life was not that bad but academics were, urm, terrible. My freshmen year results were so .. bad.. that I don't even want to recall but I'm glad that as I adjusted myself throughout the semester, my grades also became better. To think about it, there are only 2 years and a half left to finish my degree. It feels quite fast, and I guess it is time to start worrying about my career after graduating from undergrad school.

My biggest source of happiness, I am glad that you came into my life.

I don't remember at which exact moment I started to fall in love with you exactly, I don't remember when was the first day you got stuck in my mind, I don't remember when was the day I started to think about how should I ask you out when I go back to Korea.

I am glad that you came, I am glad like we clicked well with each other! It all started with learning Mandarin, and well maybe going to a lot of coffee shops together. September fifteen was the day you asked me if I have free time to meet up with you, and I remember well that I hesitated because I had my schedule planned, but I went in the end because it's you who asked. And surprisingly, that was the first day and I didn't even know! (what!!) A few days later, we went to the park together, we held each other hand and well, lean on each other's shoulder and you kissed my forehead yet you didn't confess to me or anything. I was so curious, so so so curious, I wanted to know so badly, so I asked what's our relationship. It took me so much courage to ask and thank god, the answer was the one that I was hoping for.

Since then, we went through a lot together and it will be one year soon! (Am currently preparing a gift because I don't think ill have time to do that when the semester begins ><) You made me smile a lot, you made me cry and angry sometimes but I didn't know what to say because I feel like it's just me being childish. But of course, there was a lot more happiness! You made me feel like a princess, you made me feel so loved, you made me feel like even when the world is against me you'll be right by my side. Long-distance wasn't easy but it is also not as hard as it seems to be, we have been doing well and I believe we will do better and I believe that the day when I will finally wake up having you by my side is getting closer day by day! We see each other through the screen a lot more, and this always made me realize how precious it is to spend a day together physically. Sometimes it even feels weird because we always see each other through video calls, but I love your warmth whenever you hold my hand or hug me tightly. I am a crybaby who always cries when we have to leave each other for more than a month, or when we have to send each other off to another state. I look forward to our date all the time, but whenever it is the day itself, I wish it'll be tomorrow so that I wouldn't have to face the goodbyes that soon. I hate it when the skies turn dark, it means goodbyes are getting closer. I hate it when time goes by so quickly whenever we are together, but good times do indeed pass faster.

因为知道自己的不完美，所以曾认为这辈子也许都遇不到一个喜欢自己的人。

可是误打误撞，遇见了你，那么好的你。

也许因为曾经失去过，曾经因为一个人的离开撕心裂肺的哭过，所以变得更加害怕面对离别吧。每一次的离别我都会忍不住流眼泪，明明答应好自己要做好准备不哭，可是在你面前总会像个小孩一样，眼泪不听使唤的流下。每一次因为一些小事情开始胡思乱想到最后卷成一团在被窝里流泪。明知道都是一次无谓的 overthinking 却忍不住哭得停不下来。其实我很害怕，我很害怕有一天你会习惯分开，你会觉得没有我在身边也无所谓反正，习惯了。对我而言，习惯其实很恐怖，一旦习惯了想改也不容易啊。每一天，都很想你。睡醒睁开眼睛，第一个动作就是发一句早安给你，睡前一定要通个电话，有什么事情都想第一时间想跟你分享，哪怕只是一件不起眼的小事，有你的生活都成了习惯、成了日常，如果有一天这些都必须跳过是多么可怕的事情。我也很害怕有一天你会厌倦了远距离恋爱，觉得想要一个可以常常陪在身边的人，我很害怕会有那么一个人就轻易的代替了我的位置。我相信你不会那么做可是就是会有这些不听使唤的想法一直在脑海里转来转去的。

우리 떨어지고 있는 동안에 제일 바라보는거 조금 더 보고 싶다고 하는 말이 해주면 좋겠다. 가끔은 너무 보고싶어서 자기한테 말했지만 자기는 그냥 나도 보고 싶다고 해서 뭔가 나만 보고 싶어하나.. 이런 느낌 들어. 자기는 먼저 보고 싶다고 말하면 느낌이 다르잖아, 진짜 보고 싶어서 말하는 거잖아.

It has been a long time since I last updated,
and I have been thinking about why.

Blogging used to be a way for me to express myself whenever I don't know who can I talk to,
maybe that's why I no longer blog often because I have found someone to talk with about anything, well maybe not everything but most of them.

Or maybe, I was just lazy heh.

random thoughts pt7.

久违了，没想到这一次突然有想要写部落格的心情也是因为最近身边发生的事情。

也许吧，也许人生真的永远不会顺利。
永远都会有你想也想不到的意外，会有不在自己可以顾虑的范围内发生的事情。

偶尔觉得，自己是不是人太好，习惯去迎合别人而常常忽略了自己最真实的感受。习惯了可以帮助的就会尽量帮助，就算不么不愿意还是会逼自己去，因为我知道如果我不去做，我会良心过意不去。只觉得，一个人帮你不是应该的，既然别人愿意帮你那你就更应该去珍惜，去感谢而不是过河拆桥，然后连谢谢也没亲口说一声。我不知道一个人可以多么的小气，小气成这个样子。狮子座的颜面，有多重要，都知道吧。我已经放下了颜面，去开始开话题来解决这个尴尬气氛，谢啦，谢谢你把气氛搞得更尴尬。也因为这样，我开始觉得是不是自己一个人也许更好，我也很想和大家一样有一群一起玩的朋友，可是不管我多么努力，我总觉得自己就是有那一部分融合不进去，我努力了，可是真的很累。其实只要没看见你们，我也不太会想起你们，而这一点真的和其他朋友很不同。有些人无论在多么偏远的地方，脑海里总会有他们的影子，而我不知道，我每天都看到的你们，即使一个周末都没看见，我也不以为意。有时候虽然大家聚在一起，一起吃饭，一起聊天，而我却不知道该说什么，就感觉自己不属于这里，即使离开了也不会有什么不同。这种不被重视的感觉也许是我自己想太多而感受到的，可是这几天，这感觉，越来越强烈。我开始觉得我真的宁愿全部都自己一个人去做，一个人上课，一个人吃饭，总觉得在这里交到的朋友都不是真的朋友，就感觉大家真的就是聚在一起在对方的身上获得利益？因为很多很多累积起来的小原因，我开始厌倦了社交，我开始厌倦那种必须绞尽脑汁去跟别人开话题的生活；我宁愿，一天不说话，也厌倦了这样的生活。有时候，真的很想念在马来西亚的朋友，有你们真的太好太好了。这几天都因为自己一直想太多有的没的，觉得难以呼吸，觉得很累，觉得我真的要继续过这样的生活吗，为什么我每次都是那个受委屈什么都讲不出，闷在心里，自己躲在房里哭的那个。

亲爱的，好想你。
我真的不知道如果没有你，我能不能撑下来。
对不起我总是突然哭泣吓到你，我又不知道要怎么开口告诉你，总觉得是自己的问题。
以前那个无论什么事情都可以坚持的自己，去了哪里。

也许，我下一个目标就是找到自己；
感觉在迎合别人的同时，我已经慢慢遗失了自己最原本的一面。

two thousand eighteen.

又不知不觉来到了十二月，说实在的今年过得真的很快。一直想着大学要读四年才会读完可是就这样一年过去了，也就这样 freshman year 结束了。今年有三分二的日子都是在外国，但其实我并没有我想象中的那么想家，也因为这样而发现其实自己也还蛮独立的。我也不知道是哪来的勇气自己一个人出国读书，可是在哪里认识了跟我一样离开家独自一人到国外留学的朋友，所以其实也没什么大不了。我想说这机会来的不易，也是我多年以来的梦想，所以应该好好珍惜好好享受留学的日子。当然这期间有很多不顺心的事，有很多事情都并不像我想象中的那么完美，那么无忧无虑。学校的课业常常赶不上，一直比别人付出了更多却得不到理想的成绩。也时常因为这样怀疑自己的选择，也许留在本地不会那么幸苦，也许留在本地就不需要花更多是时间去适应外国的生活。在外国生活，需要自己去处理的事情太多了，无论做什么都要自己亲力亲为，不能一开口问爸妈就有答案了。可是抛开这些，我觉得我是开心的，留学的日子真的很开心。寒假回来马来西亚我就立马想念韩国了，我不知道我是喜欢那里的环境还是喜欢那里的人，也许都喜欢吧。

春夏秋冬，一年四季是在马来西亚体验不到的，这也是我想出国留学的其中一个原因。虽然每换一个季节就要买一些新衣服真的搞到我很穷，可是亲眼目睹季节变化是一种幸福。还记得第一次过去的时候一边光秃秃的山坡，校园里的树都只剩下树干。然后开着春天的到来，树干上突然多了一些刚盛开的花，然后樱花就盛开了，在去上课的路上都是满满的樱花，真的心情在不好都会突然变好。白色樱花随着日子过去有一些渐渐凋谢了，有一些慢慢变成了粉色，其实真的满神奇的。但其实樱花大概一个星期就凋谢了，又剩下光溜溜的树干。可是随着时间流逝，树上又布满了青色的叶子，而这一个阶段维持了比较长一段时间直达夏天过去。放了个暑假，回去的时候就是秋天了，秋天真的很棒。看着叶子的颜色慢慢从绿色变成黄色再变成褐色，有一些也变成了红色在慢慢凋谢。也许对当地人来说一点都不稀奇，可是对我而言这个过程真的很疗愈，很让人怦然心动。然后天气慢慢的转凉，冬天已悄悄的到来了。冬天也没想象中的那么可怕，其实衣服穿对了就不会太冷。也因为这个冬天我严重爱上了围巾，感觉围巾完全是一个可以让人从快冻死了到好温暖的阶段。寒假回来，一抵达马来西亚我觉得我快被热得融化了也在那一瞬间我发觉我宁愿冷也不愿意热。

spring ・ 봄 ・ 春

summer ・ 여름 ・ 夏

autumn ・ 가을 ・ 秋

winter ・ 겨울 ・ 冬

end of year 1 - freshman year.
being forced to do every fundamental subjects that I have zero interest in, no matter how hard I tried, I still ended up with bad grades, times like that were definitely demotivating. There were times when I just wanted to give up studying because even if I spend two to three hours per day trying to understand calculus, I know clearly that midterms and finals are still going to be bad. I repeated the physics homework problems for at least three times each chapters but still unable to solve the problems in exams. I felt devastated, I felt like everything were against my will, I felt like even if I put in 101% of efforts, the outcome wouldn't be even 10%. Sometimes, I ask myself is it worth it to study? Or I shall just focus on some other subjects that I have confident in. But I couldn't just give up cooly, I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't even try my best. I guess these were the hardest part of freshman year, but thankfully it is over now. (lets pray that ill pass the subjects).

2018 wasn't easy for me, I cried after overthinking in the middle of the night. I cried because no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't achieve my goal. Sometimes I hate myself for being such a cry baby but I can't help, at least it feels much better after crying out the stress that were being built up in my heart. First half of 2018 was really tough, being alone in a foreign country, having only a few friends by my side, being betrayed and cheated on, needing to adapt to the new living and learning environment.

Later half of 2018, thank you for being a part of my life, giving me motivation to continue in the hardest time. I hesitated in the beginning, but I am glad that I was willing to hold your hand, I was willing to trust again. Thank you for making me feel loved all the time, thank you for letting me know that I made a right choice. I don't know what brought us together, but I am glad that I met you. Being supportive on my studies, helping me in studies even though you have to study everything again before teaching me, giving me warm hugs and kisses on my cheeks, held my hand tightly all the time, these are the little things that made me fall in love with you a little more everyday. Instead of only telling me everything is goin to be fine, you helped me to solve the problems I faced together. You're definitely not the most romantic person, but thank you for being you when you're with me. I love you for who you are. You said that you're a rough person but I don't think so, you might not be as attentive or gentle, but I know you're trying your best. But let's be honest, I noticed that you really improved a lot compared to when we first met. Remember when I was sick before mid terms, you came over and handed me a box of honey yuzu tea. Actions are definitely better than empty words. I love how you're so passionate in coffee, it motivates me search for something that I find passion in, too. I love how you constantly improve yourself, I love how you're such a wholly shaped person. Loving you makes me want to be a better person day by day. And this is really the kind of relationship I desire. Constantly motivating each other to be someone better and become each other's motivation. We both know clearly that it will not be easy, when you continue your studies in Seoul, we couldn't meet as often. When it's finally summer or vacation break, I'll have to go home. But, we will be able to do well right? I wanted to exchange letter with you before going home, so I told you about it and you told me you planned to do it even though if I didn't tell you about it. That's when I fall in love with you a little deeper, I know that you're not the type who would do this but you actually thought of it! It makes me feel so loved and appreciated.

이대로 잘 할수 있겠지. 앞으로 무슨일이 있어도 손 꽉 잡고 같이 걷자.
같이 있으면 무서운일이 없다.

2019,
it will finally be the year for me to begin my sophomore year which means I am finally a student majoring in biological science. I see it as a fresh start, general studies had been hard to me. I believe it wouldn't be any easier but ill continue to strive my best. No excuses like "I have no interest in it" anymore, it is what I chose. I'll promise myself to do much better than freshman year.

우리, 계속 화이팅하자.

sem 2 week 1.

回来了，我的第二个家。

对自己有一个小承诺，希望自己这个学期可以多交点朋友，不要把自己关在一个小圈圈。有时觉得，既然出国留学了，就真的不要约束自己是时候突破自己。一直以来都属于比较内向的性格吧，除非我跟你很熟那我大概就是一个超疯狂的人。大概不太会主动去认识人，然后过来跟我讲话的人我都把它们归类为奇怪的人类，（我好像才是那个奇怪的人类）。感觉有时候把人与人的关系想得太复杂了，也可能是因为从小到大就被教育要离陌生人远一点。

走在路上就被人拦住说什么我赢了第三奖可是我明明就没做了什么，感觉就是一个奇怪的人所以一直要撇开谁知道他一直跟，跟着。当时其实真的是堂皇的，我说我该怎么办。可是后来发现是一家通信公司所有就有点妥协了，可是还是不太想跟过去就说啊，诶 其实我是外国人。然后他接着说外国人也没关系啊。最后聊了一下，还被误会为日本人？

回来见的第一个人是我的室友啦啦啦啦～就突然约了见面，一起吃了晚餐然后逛了逛。我们也终于拍了上个学期一直想拍的那种西连拍！

然后，第二个见的人！一起聊天聊了两三个月的欧巴。中间也偶尔通过电话，一通电话就一个小时左右。感觉在网络上认识了那么多人，他大概是最投缘的吧。一起吃了午餐然后因为下雨没办法找咖啡厅喝咖啡只好去星巴克。 感觉我们还蛮好聊的，很怕只是我单方面的自我感觉良好然后我们就再也不见面了。可是可是，他过了几天就约了我他休假的时候见面。

然后，也不知道最近怎么了。好多人突然信息我，就真的那种在学校见过面从来没说过话的。其实是真的有点恐怖，就，感觉被监视了。

8/31，
第一次喝烧酒了，有一位韩国人朋友一起温习英文和微积分，过后就问要不要一起去喝酒。结果，我们答应了。11点左右出发，然后才猛然发现学校范围里竟然有4-5间술집（饮酒的地方，不是夜店ok）一起去了结果就第一次喝了烧酒，其实我发现我还蛮喜欢的。难道我是隐藏的酒鬼吗 呵呵。烧酒和桃子烧酒，桃子烧酒就一个果汁的味道。两个一起混着喝真的还蛮好喝的。喝完了去附近走走吹风然后回到学校大家一起吃了冰淇淋，坐在亭子里聊天聊到了凌晨3点。我感觉我也真的明白为什么他们都说在韩国，喝酒真的可以促进关系。一起聊了很多，也真的很开心。这种经验真的真的很难得。

第一个星期的课，就这样过去啦。

下个星期正式进入地狱式生活。呵呵。

twenty.

正式迈入二十岁的生活，

是要变得更坚强，更成熟，还是更努力。

其实对于二十岁的自己，我真的觉得很迷茫。

总觉得，应该变得越来越好，可是偶尔也觉得自己变得越来越敏感，容易为一些事情忧郁上一整天，有时候甚至因为自己的小情绪导致身边的人都不喜欢自己。也许是真的过于敏感，把没有的事情都在脑袋里加盐加醋篇了一部伤感电影。只是觉得，偶尔有些小情绪一不小心流露出来大家就觉得你很白目，你很无聊，只是觉得每个人都有不开心想发泄的时候吧。我很努力真的只想把自己的正能量传达出去，可是我也会累，我也有想发发脾气，发发牢骚的时候，可是每一次这样，得到的不是关心而是对方的冷漠。明明身边很多朋友，可是有时候真的找不到一个可以陪我谈心的人。累了，不知道找谁诉说因为真的很怕得来的只是别人的嫌弃，也害怕自己只会打扰了别人毕竟大家都很忙很忙，都在为自己的生活奔波。有时候真的觉得到头来，人生还是一个人。也许身边很多人，可是正真陪你走完一生的是你自己，也就只有你自己。

我不知何时开始喜欢把心事都在心里想一遍就算了，感觉跟别人倾述只会得到鄙视嫌弃。

有时候真的会把有的没的从头到脚想一遍，

想完了，

就好了。

我很容易一些小事而笑，也很容易因为一些小事而不开心。

当然很珍惜那些让我不自主笑出来的人，你们也许是我认识了七八年的好朋友，也或许只是认识不过几个月的人，只是真的很谢谢有你们。至少，我很清楚知道自己也并非那么孤单无助。很谢谢那些为我的生活增添色彩的每一个人。虽然我每次搞犹豫的时候都觉得自己没朋友 （哈哈）但是真的想要你们都知道我真的很感谢每一个你。

20年以来经历了很多事情，很多我想要永远记住的，也有很多我想要永远忘记的。他们说每个出现在你生命的人都带着自己的使命，无论是好是坏，都是让你成为更好的一个人。

很谢谢那些让我渐渐变得更好的人，那些无论发生什么事都会是站在我这一边的人，有你们真好。还有一些我自认很重要的过客，谢谢你短暂的出现，在我的人生添了一个小污点。可是没关系，谢谢你让我说会要带眼识人，不要那么容易陷入心机重的人设下的陷阱。还有谢谢那个自从第一天认识就一直聊到现在的人，你明明在服军役却还是有时间就发信息给我，希望你的中文赶快说的滑溜溜的然后，等我回去找你喝杯咖啡。

明明说要更努力我却，
决定了好好享受剩下的假期。
不读书啦啊阿啊阿啊 （我好烂哦）

然后我也不知道自己胡言乱语写了什么，
好像feel来了想要写些东西，开始写了feel又不见了。

呵呵。

end of semester 01.

hundred twenty days in south korea, end of first semester that lasted for sixteen weeks.

countless of precious memories were made, 

experienced a lot of those that I couldn't experience living in my home country, 

I smiled a lot but at the same time, I cried a lot. 

There were times when I really just want escape from reality and go home, but strangely, being at the airport now, I am starting to feel sad for going home, there are obviously more reasons to go home but there is a strong urge in me wanting to stay. At some point, I felt regret for coming here but hey, made through sixteen weeks strongly. Too many things happened in this period, being alone in a foreign country is not as easy, but it had been great to have friends around to support me and honestly, it had been a really great month with you.

Went on trips, Busan and Kimhae, it was really fun to travel around, going on wrong buses and we just laughed our ass off without complaining. Being two dumb and dumber who has really bad sense of direction, we can't help but to get on and off the buses every single trip. It has been a really great semester with my one and only partner, sounds so sad but two of us basically hangs out together all the time. I can't imagine how lonely my first semester would be without your accompany.

17 credits are not that much but suffered a lot because almost 60% of them are a new subject to me.

Artificial Intelligence Programming I, 

Calculus I, 

Chemistry I,

Physics I, 

Chemistry Laboratory I,

Physics Laboratory I, 

Humanities Subject - Understanding Korea.

Honestly, it was really hard to me.
Most of them have basics knowledge in AIP but for me it was really starting from zero. No idea how to print a sentence out, no idea how to do maths with python, it was difficult from the first class until the very last class. Reading the materials given by professors and watching the videos (and fell asleep half way ended up have to replay several times) makes me feel like I do understand them but I just can't solve the quizzes every time. Calculus was total nightmare to me, maths was all about doing calculations to me but suddenly it becomes making explanations and reasonings. Whenever I do revision, it feels like I do understand the definitions and applications but every time a new questions came, I wasn't able to make connections. Chemistry was considered the subject that stressed me out the less, remember when I used to hate chemistry so much? It became my favorite from all of the subjects I did in this semester. Physics was so-so, being able to solve most questions from homework and group problem solving sessions but unable to solve quizzes and exams that actually matters (: sometimes, I just want to shoot myself in the head. Chemistry lab session was fun with my two korean group mates, the senior was so sweet she even treated me ice cream in a hot hot day! Physics lab session was (urm.... bad) in the sense of having a group mate that gives me headache but thankfully my buddy made it up! Also, the teaching assistant who are really friendly! Humanities class which I almost gave up on the first class because I didn't expect its about korean history and literatures, thought its going to be boring but hey, it turns out pretty enjoyable and learnt a lot about korea. Had a chance to talk about the difference between malaysia and korea as our final project was absolutely interesting. Honestly, this was the only class where I was able to make friends from other majors. Especially meeting the senior who are so helpful and friendly, I am sincerely thankful about it. 선배님에게 진짜 감사한말을 알려주고 싶다 ㅠㅠ 카톡으로 알려줬는데 뭔가 부족한 것 같기도 하고~ ㅠㅠ

About him,
There was 2 draft posts that were not completed but it make no sense to publish now since its over. I was naive, I trusted you too easily, I made the decision too quickly.

我曾很天真的以为你的一字一句都是真心诚意，也许吧，也许一开始有那么一瞬间是真的，可是我不知从何时开始觉得你看我的眼神慢慢变了。当时我觉得是自己想太多，是自己太敏感都说服自己没事 是自己太敏感了。可是现在回想起来，女人的直觉真的还蛮准确的。你一开始很贴心，你一开始很懂的关心，每次早上起床看到你的早安信息是最开心的事情，比你迟睡你总会让我睡的时候告诉你一声。可是渐渐的，你慢慢变得不会一起床就给我一个早安，有时我甚至觉得也许你还没起床，可是最后发现你起来了却一个早安都没有其实心里真的是痛的。也许有些人会觉得一个早安，没什么。可是你知道吗，这些变化真的令我很害怕。我只知道如果你真的喜欢一个人每天早上醒来最先想起的一定会是他。渐渐的你信息回复得慢，好，我不抱怨。我选择包容。我选择理解你。你开始还会发给我爱心，最后你什么都不发了，即使我发了，你也好像盲了看不见一样。最后，因为一个考试就这样拆散了我们。我不知道我该怪考试还是怪你，还是怪自己的天真。因为考试，我们没见面了三个星期。好不容易捱过了考试，我们约了三次，你爽约了三次。隔两天，你提出分手。可是你知道吗，你的每一次爽约，我都哭了。第三次的时候，我真的察觉到不对劲，我哭了好多次，我让自己不哭，可是我做不到。你说你不舒服需要去医院所以不能赴约，你知道我看到信息的时候担心真的多于愤怒。你需要去医院的原因明明可以让我大闹一场脾气可是我因为担心不闹，还一直问你有没有好点了 可不可以过去看你，而你，信息不看，电话不接，你就让我在这里瞎担心。最后，我哭了两天，整整两天，眼睛肿得恐怖。到最后看到你分手信息，我眼泪都流不出来了。

我曾以为你很贴心，可是到最后才发现你对我其实一点都不上心。

因为认识了一个朋友，我们还蛮好聊的。也真的因为他，让我发现你真的不太看重我。我发现你以前除了去运动，去学校，基本上都不会跟我说你去哪里。有时约你早上你说不得空有事情要忙，问你什么事，你也从来不交代都草草带过，我也真的拿出了我最大的包容觉得，好吧，个人空间还是要有的。可是你知道吗，就一个朋友，我不问他会自己来跟我分享今天都做了什么，明天有什么计划。我生病跟他说他每天最问病情一直让我去看医生，而你，我记得有一次跟你说不舒服你也就当天关心了一下过后就没了这回事，可是你生病的时候我真的每天都在担心。那时候你跟朋友去玩，我让你拍拍照给我看，而你没有。可是这朋友，发了好多照片给我，早餐 午餐 晚餐 住宿 甚至跟朋友的照片都发给我看。我就真的突然发现为什么一个朋友可以这样对我而你，身为男朋友却做不到。你也好像从来不接我的电话，一开始还跟我说你一定会接，可是你从来不接。明明跟你一起的时候你看到朋友的未接电话你也会打一通回去，可是你从来不回电给我。我们好像真的只通过一次电话，还是我问你可不可以通电话过后，而那通电话也不长。可是你懂吗，这朋友我们一通电话半个小时。他无聊没事就问我要不要通电话。我跟他聊的一通电话已经远远超过了跟你。

也不是想做比较只是好像真的到了最后，我才恍然大悟，好像我从来不在你心里一样。

曾经以为我们可以一起去赏第二个樱花，可是我们连一个春天都没熬过。

studying aboard for the very first semester taught me a lot, it definitely forced me to be more independent, being at home, putting the dirty clothes in the laundry basket and they'll magically be washed and folded neatly then being kept in my wardrobe. but leaving without family means I have to do it on my own, forcing myself to wake up early on saturday morning to do laundry then fold and hang them nicely back into the wardrobe. eating alone is no longer something I feel ashamed or stressed to do, I learnt to enjoy time alone and I realize I would rather do things alone than wasting time to wait. I really hate it when my schedule being delayed just because of the endless waiting and waiting so I chose to do a lot of things alone.

and,
I began to realize the beauty of being alone.
it makes me calm, and somehow,
makes my mind clear.

well of course,
I still enjoy spending time meeting people.

to summarize,
it had been a great four months,
and definitely, more precious memories shall be make.

#started this post in airport, but only ended it now.

thirty eight.

23 march, the day you make me feel like the happiest human alive.
29 april, i feel like the stupidest human being to put so much trust in you.

thank you for the memories, it had been a really happy three weeks to me but the consequences after that is too painful to bear. having to type this blog post actually hurts more than I think, logging in and saw two draft posts that were never published, it was the unfinished blog posts about the time we shared, the road we walked together, I still remember how you always look at me with the lovely gaze and tell me you like me so much, telling me you would treat me well, but promises aren't made to be broken. Yes, you were nice in the beginning, but not anymore. You left me hanging without knowing what should I do next, compared to me, exams and friends are your priorities. But to me, I always try to arrange time just for you, I changed the plan with friends because I know it is harder to spend time with you, you was my priority. I woke up thinking about you, I fall asleep having you last in my head.

Remember when we first met? It was so hard for me to make the decision to actually meet, and eventually I did agreed. Everything were beautiful, remember when you was so sweet to me? Remember when you noticed all the little things, you make my heart flutters. Remember when you came to see me without earlier notice? That was so surprising and I was really happy that day. Remember when I almost fell from the stairs and you caught me? Remember that you always pat my head, remember when you always touch the scar on my hand hoping it will heal soon, remember when I get to lean on your shoulder when I feel really tired, remember when we ate together and you cooked the meat and gave me the one that were not burnt, remember when you always make me walk at the inside of the road, and you would wrap your arms around my shoulder whenever we pass by a group of guys, remember we went for the Ferris wheel ride together wearing matching outfit? I realise I remember all the small little things we did together. I am not sure why the relationship will ended up this way, where I am the only one who constantly missed you, I am the only one who always text you good morning and good night, I am the only one who put in efforts.

I am tired, I am really tired from being the only one who cares in the relationship. Relationship never work out if it is only one-sided. Having to stand the loneliness during your exam period, I understand that you are busy and I did not say anything isn't. I tried my best to fully understand your situation, I convinced myself that everything will be fine after exam as you promised, but no. I don't know why you changed so much after an exam. My emotion went from disappointment, to insecurities, to anger, to worry but now I feel numb inside. It has been a hard week, not being able to do well in exams, having to face this relationship, my head has been hurting, my body feels sick even though I am completely fine,  I feel okay, really okay but deep down, it feels like I am at the verge of breaking down. You are a beautiful dream with a miserable ending. I wouldn't hate you, I can't bear to hate you either. Relationships has never been easy to me, I thought this would turn out fine, I even thought of extending my stay after the semester to at least celebrate your birthday with you, I even thought of extending more until our hundred days anniversary, but I guess I will not have this worry now. I truly appreciated you, everything I said, everything I tell, was sincere. There are so many future plans we made together, you said you would visit Malaysia, you said we would go on a short trip on the coming long weekend, remember I said I want to watch a movie with you in the cinema, remember when we said to go cycle around taehwagang together when the spring flower blossoms. I thought we are going to go through four seasons together and go back to the cherry blossoms spot the next spring. I am glad that I stopped myself for buying cards and writing it to you, if I did, it will now be kept with me forever. If I say I am fine, I am obviously lying, how can I be fine. My heart aches, it is too heavy for me. Sometimes, I feel hard to breath, I know it's not from any physical problem but affected emotionally.

I always thought that I am not good enough for you, and some of you told me he is not good enough for me. After all, I guess it is true. Everyone has been telling me I deserve better, I deserve someone who is more sincere to me, I deserve someone who treats me better, you are the one who doesn't deserve me. I will try to move on as quick as possible, knowing there are more people who love me more than you, I will live my life for myself and for those who really care.

괜찮아 네가 없어도 잘 살고 있을거야 더 씩씩하게 더 당당하게. 이런 나만 보고싶은 나만 사랑하는 연애 계속 하는게 나한테 너무 힘들어 나만 울고 나만 슬프고 내가 힘들때 네가 바쁜가봐 알려줄 수 없어. 너 때문에 많이 울었지만 이제 안 할 거야. 잘 살아라. 나도 내 삶을 잘 살거니까. 그 동안 너무 아팠지만 고마웠어. 그때 네 얼굴만 봐도 기쁘고 즐거웠어. 이런 경험 상상도 못 했어. 예전에 아름다운 연애였는데 이제 행복한시간보다 아프고 힘든시간 활씬 많으니까 나도 그만 하고 싶어져. 같이 만든 예쁜 추억들이 잊지 못 할 것 같지만 잊어버린위해 노력해볼께. 같이 걸었던 길도 다시 지나가면 꼭 생각날 것 같아. 그래도 함드니까 이제 그만하고 싶어. 친구들이 다 이렇게 말했어, 오늘까지 슬퍼도돼 오늘까지 미치게 울어도 돼, 앞으로 네 생각하지 말고 자기위해만 산대. 그렇게 할게. 나도 행복하게 살고 싶어. 이런 일상에서 도망가고 싶어.

그래서,
잘 가.

pouring out.

sixty fifth day.

I wouldn't say so far so good, because it is not.

If I have to question myself did I work hard for the first half of the semester, I would undoubtedly answer yes. So far, I have been trying my best to keep up with pre-class studies, handing in assignments on time, doing my best for quizzes, preparing for mid-terms but nothing seems to be in sync. I have put in efforts, a lot of efforts, but it seems like there was no output from the efforts I have made. Staying up to 2 at midnight has become a daily routine, setting at least 3 alarms to wake up at 7 in the morning to shower then continue with studies before going to class has become something so natural to do. My body seems to be adjusted to this kind of lifestyle, but my brain is not doing its job. Some told me that "Hey, studying or not studying in university does not make a difference, you fail anyway." Honestly, I don't believe in that until I actually experience it. It had been a long and tough 3 weeks, having to keep up with assignments, quizzes and classes but also prepare for midterms. I barely have time for myself, I barely have time to even take a long sleep for a night, depending on caffeine almost everyday to keep myself awake during classes. Yet, unable to do well in midterms. Of course, there is no one to blame, of course, it was my responsibility to face the reality. What bothers me the most is just, disappointment. I am disappointed at myself, I am even more sad because I have become a disappointment to people who loves me, to people who supports me. I feel sorry to my parents for sending me all the way here, yet I am unable to do well to repay them. Low scores actually did not bother me that much, I get over it, what bothers me the most was being unable to meet the expectations. I don't want to be a disappointment, I want to be someone my parents can proudly talk about, I want to be someone he feels proud of, I also want to be proud of myself. But, at this point, I really can't.

It has been more than two months, I can't blame the "adjusting phase" for not doing well anymore, I should already be adjusted and adapted. It feels like I have worked hard enough to deserve better, but life is not going the desired way.

Everything seems fine, heart is beating, I am still constantly inhaling and exhaling, everything seems beautiful, the weather is warm, the flowers are fully blossomed. But we all know, deep down in the heart, nothing is fine, things are not going towards the right direction, things are going backward. 

Nothing can be changed, anyway. 

All I can do now is continue to work harder, also try to figure out another more effective way to study. Midterms were over, results were finalised, the technology is not advanced enough to travel back in time. 

Its time to move on after finishing up this blog post.

departing.

아마도..
한국유학 가기 전의 마지막 글이다.

기분이 복잡한 것 같다.

너무 기대되지만
걱정도 되게네.

유학생활이 어떻게 되는지 매우 궁금하다.

看着离开的那一天越来越近了，嗯，真的开始担心看是害怕。甚至在某个瞬间觉得是不是不去了，觉得只是自己一直以来固执的梦想。原以为顺利入学了就会有方向感，可是我偶尔觉得好像突然遗失了方向。最终做的这个选择，到底是不是对的。至今还是会有时不时的彷徨犹豫。我不知道该说自己长大了，想得更远，还是说长大了，不再只看到眼前的快乐还在脑海里想多了很多“如果”、“万一”。到底是变得更成熟，会为未来顾虑，还是变得越来越胆小，常常都担心这个担心那个。虽然说船到桥头自然直，可是，万一我找不到桥呢。其实心情很复杂只是我从来都不把他表现出来，我很期待，可是也很害怕。别人都觉得我真的很开心因为这是我一直以来的梦，可是心里却有一堆只有自己知道的焦虑。从来都不是一个矫情的人，尤其是对家人。想要表现得坚强，希望他们别担心。也就快二十岁了，离开家也没什么好怕的吧，可是对于一个从来没有一个人在外地生存的我而言，其实还蛮可怕的。自己做的决定就真的不要再怀疑了，现在反悔大概也来不及了吧。机票买了，酒店定了，deposit也交了，要公证的资料也东奔西跑地做了，行李也整理好了，全都准备好了，就只有我还没准备好。

说实在，以前真的没想过自己会有那么多的担心，那时候只担心不能去留学。现在可以了，反而担心得不想去了。

反复不定。

偶尔又觉得，终于实现了这个不太平凡的梦。

可以在自己喜欢的国度，读着自己喜欢的课程，多好。虽然没有熟悉的朋友没有家人的温暖可是我相信在哪里，可以找到跟自己合拍的第二个家庭。认识不同的人，去氛围很棒的咖啡馆，体会不同的季节，看不同的风景，多么难得。

相信把东西搞好，安顿下来了心里就会安稳一些。

其实也很感谢啦，一开始爸爸不太同意去那里留学因为都要读韩文，也许会很辛苦。可是最后被一间英文教学的科技学校录取真的很开心。

相信在哪里我也可以慢慢发觉那第五城市的美丽奥妙。

希望，
一切顺利，留学快乐。

adiós.

Time flies...

Flipping through my 2017 journal really brings up uncountable memories that were deeply buried in my brain. I remember them at the back of my head, but rarely recall. That’s probably the best part of having a journal where I could pour my heart and soul without worrying judgement from anyone. 2017, has been a great year. Of course, there were sorrow and pain, there were struggle and despair, but there were also happiness and smiles, there were hopes and love. I cherished all the memories made in this year no matter sweet or bitter. The path I had walked this year may not be as adventurous, as interesting as anyone of you out there, but I have no regrets. Achievements were done, and I gained a lot from new friends to new experiences. The first half of this year was basically stuck in a-level, struggling to study and achieve for advanced level examinations. Constant midnight studies with earphones stuck in my ears with the accompany of soothing piano music or k-indies. Did stacks of past year papers from by topics to by years, it has been really hard but worth it. Trying to get all the biological mechanisms, the long ass biological terms like cystic fibrosis transmembrane conductance regulator, theories behind physical chemistry and memorizing the outcome and environment needed for organic chemistry in my head. Solving tons of mathematics questions and trying to solve mechanics questions by relating them to physics. A-level journey was stressful but thankfully, I met the group of friends who constantly motivate and encourage each others. We had fun together, we laughed and fool around during lectures, but we too, helped each other whenever we have questions about the syllabus. Truly glad to have them, a group of angels who are selfless. Lectures that I met were inspiring as well. They guided us one by one, willing to listen to us and help us in different ways, encourages us to ask without hesitating even if it is a question that doesn’t make sense. Specially thanks to my mentor who helped me throughout my university application progress, applying to a country that is totally uncommon, he encouraged me to chase my own dream. It was great to meet someone like him, no judgement, but encouragement. 18 months in college were memorable, thank you everyone. 

In my last birthday as a “teen”, I made two wishes and both of them came true. Achieved well in my a-levels, and being accepted to the university of my dream. Nothing feels better than working hard and eventually leading to success. It may not sound as significant to others, but to me, it was a dream comes true. Having the dream to study aboard in the kimchi nation as a regular undergraduate student since i was fifteen(?), and I worked hard for 4 years to get myself qualified to apply and finally accepted by several universities. Leaving the place that I was born in a few months, exciting yet thrilling. Mentally preparing myself for a new adventure in a new place, meeting new people from all around the world, eating the delicious local foods and experiencing the four seasons. Wrapping myself in thick clothing in the winter, watching the flower blossom in the spring, enjoying the sunshine in the summer and watching the leaves changes it’s colour in the autumn. There’s so many little things to look forward, and I am thankful that I am given the chance. 

Going on trips with family and friends were part of the beautiful memories made. From local to  overseas, all the roads that i have walked on were beautiful. Traveling around langkawi island with my group of a-level friends, visiting my sister who’re studying in taiwan, took a flight from taiwan to okinawa and going on a date with mummy in hongkong. Getting my disneyland bucket list checked in hongkong as well! Well, as the saying goes, one is never too old for disney! I’m looking forward for more theme park trip with friends in the future, might be the timid girl who are afraid of roller coasters, but I always force myself to at least go on a ride and it turns out really fun! (tho i screamed my lungs out all the time)

Ah yes! Also took the test of proficiency in korean this year, well the result was unexpectedly much better! 4 marks to the highest level is probably my biggest regret, if I did slightly better in writing, if I did more practices, if I get a few questions correctly, I’ll probably be achieving level 6. But oh well, it’s alright! Let’s try again in the near future for level 6! I’m currently just hoping to survive with my current korean speaking skills. As I have stopped my korean language lessons, I basically did not do any revision (im such a lazy bum), so I joined some language apps to communicate with the locals. Meeting the local koreans to learn better korean, and I have met a few of them who have been really helpful. I lost contact with some of them, but also kept contact with a few. The unbelievable miracle was I actually met a senior from the university that I am going to attend. That was also before I was accepted, totally unexpected. However, I am really glad that I actually met him, at least, worst scenario, I can still seek from help from him if I encounter any hardships when I just admit to the university. 

2017, well yes still single. Although people around me has been getting a partner, but yes I am still in the single and happy mood. I have obviously come to the point where let the love find me instead of the other way around, if it’s meant to happen, it will. Let’s just move on and live life to the fullest. Of course, I am really happy for those bbys who are in a relationship. I feel very happy when I listen to the adorable yet clingy love stories, I feel happy that you guys have a shoulder to lean on. Oh and in 2017, I had my first paid job, working as a service crew in a cafe. It have been almost 6 months, and I am still serving there. From zero basic to almost the most important person after the boss and manager, I gained a lot and learnt a lot of experiences that were never thought in schools. Without forgetting, I learnt a lot on coffees, I learned to drink latte to black coffee, then tried cold brew, cold drip and hand drip coffee. I always thought coffee is bitter, but nope, each kind of beans have their unique sweetness and acidity of different kinds. Being the junior when I first joined until becoming the oldest senior right now, I learnt on how to guide new colleagues and train them to be better. Glad I made a few friends over here, although most of them had quit for schools but we are still in contact from time to time. Meeting different people from various circles were truly eye opening. As I grew up in a pretty nerdy circle where studies are always the priorities, I do not know much about those who have no interest in studying. Well, as I picked up the job, I met people who quit middle school and enter the working society. Having a close relationship with the manager also allowed me to seek for advices from her, we enjoyed talking about travel and we happen to have a lot of commons which brought us closer to heart. She’s so willing to share her experiences with me which I really appreciate. I love listening to others and learn from their past, it always gave me courage to be better day by day. Of course, work meals had been either really good or just, horrifying. Sometimes we had chicken chops, bak kut teh or even salmon! There were times where we kept having baked beans and sardine, which turnt into my biggest nightmare now. 

On the last day of 2017, as usual, I went to work. However, there was something different. We had an reservation on an event for welfare children. I would say it was a great experience as at the end, I see differences between the foster children and ordinary children who are taken care by their parents. Foster children appreciates what they are given, they say thank you, they helped us when we cleared the plates, they are very polite and finished their food with minimal wastage. On the other hand, it was really saddening to see those who wasted their food, from children to adults. Chicken chops that were only finished half, salads and mashed potato are being wasted, and tissues are being shattered around the floor. Is this really how you educate your children? Well, it is just disappointing to see the situation. Honestly, I really wish to volunteer in a foster house to just simply chit chat and share my stories with the children, they have the purest heart. They smiled so brightly with only a simply "happy new year". They deserve more love than anyone of us, honestly. 

Promise myself to be a better being in 2018. 

Always remember to, love yourself.

dream, comes true.

好像是一個從15歲開始的夢想吧，而自從有了這個夢就常常把它掛在嘴邊，掛在心裡。為了讓夢想變成現實，做了很多付出。也許在別人眼中那些付出不值多少可是就是這些一點一滴的付出讓我走到了目的地。

而，我付出的努力，也帶給了我幸運。

「 越努力，越幸运。」

熬過了多少個夜，只為了把那幾個小課題記住。

因為突然迷失方向而崩溃了多少次。

曾經覺得，算了，可能自己就是沒有出國留學的運氣。

也試過懷疑自己的堅持到底是不是對的。

可是現在，我很感激自己的堅持不懈，

即使身邊的人都覺得我只是在任性。

好像是昨天的事，我嚷嚷说我要去韩国留学。幻想著實現的那一天，現在真的離夢想更近一步了，而我，也開始有了一些沒想過自己會有的的感覺和感受。那天，查了入學成績。成功被錄取了，當下的心情真的就整個被開心籠罩然後因為在工作真的不能好好讀一遍錄取的郵件。放工了，回到家，開心興奮突然消失了，留下的是擔心和不捨。一個人在外，我真的會過得幸福嗎。那爸爸媽媽婆婆在家裡真的可以嗎。回到了房間，突然就覺得自己就快離開這熟悉的床鋪還有熟悉的味道了。以後還跟別人一起生活，我應付得來嗎。心裡不禁有了這些顧慮和擔憂，怎麼之前都沒想到這些。只是盲目地想去留學，都還沒離開就開始想念了。我何時變成那麼感性，我真的不知道。我只知道，要離開了，我也漸漸不捨了。电话了也设置了倒数，少过100天，我就真的要离开熟悉的城市，去到梦想的国度。虽然不是首尔，可是现在离开首尔只剩下4小时的车程，离开釜山1小时的车程。

我还不能正真体会到说为梦想成真的感觉，我还在等待大学正式寄给我入学证书，我还在等待买单程机票，我还在等待很多很多的事情。生活看似一如往常，可是心里的感受却慢慢地在改变。偶尔跟家人吃饭，跟朋友见面，都觉得是时候好好珍惜了。下一次见面，下一次聚在一起，不知道是多久以后。只想说，谢谢你们。当然，你们会是我最不舍的一群人，跟我一起度过了青春，一起打拼了好多场考试，一起哭过笑过。真的还没有通知所有该通知的人，可是我会慢慢地让你们知道。不会不告而别，虽然真的有这样的念头。

在各方面都需要做准备，从买行李箱到买琐碎小东西，都需要慢慢去完成。本来是真的想要在12月尾停止做工，可是不可能会被批准所有就说做到1月中就好了。怎知道刚说了这一句，得到的第一个回应就是“你可以做到1月尾吗？”其实听起来真的觉得像一个命令，当下真的有少许的不爽吧。就觉得，难道我真的不能为我自己着想那么一次吗。好像是考完试不久就开始打工直到现在，正真休息的时间没多少。难道我的要求很过分吗，迟两个星期离开也只是可以帮多几天而已，我离开是迟早要面对的事情。就这么一次，我不想再迁就别人然后委屈自己，我真的厌倦了。真的累了。只不过是想花点时间多在家里呆着，多和家人一起吃饭然后跟朋友见面。除了工作，我也有我自己的生活。我只能说你真的不应该强迫我留下来，对不起，在我离开之前，工作不是我的首选。

别怕，

一切都会好好的。

topik II ?

“망했네...”
考完了韩语能力测试后的第一个心里os

好吧，这次真的只能怪自己不够努力。因为工作关系，星期一到星期六最多也只能一天一个小时马马虎虎地做一些练习题。休息天的时候也常因为有其他事情而耽误了复习时间。真的没有抱着太大的期望，可是我真的感觉对自己很失望。感觉真的可以做得更好，尤其是作文的部分。大概就是乱写了几千个字，然后自己写了什么都不知道的那种节奏。50分钟里面要写两篇，而平时也没什么在练习，所以更负担了。在规定的时间里紧凑的写完，可是我真的觉得自己乱写了一通。作文主题也真的太出乎意料了，就算以中文还是英文写一样的主题，我可能可写不出 所以，更何况用韩文。listening也真的不太有把握，感觉get不到的太多了。reading是我原本寄望希望的地方，希望可以用reading把平均提高，可是，我又死到很惨了。感觉自己不懂得生字真的太多了，很多明明找过意思可是真的没有记在脑海了。然后，因为reading都有长长的文章，自己也必须读大概两遍才真的比较明白。看着时间一点一点的流逝，心里也越老越紧张结果就开始读来读去读不懂。

我怎么办啦。

真的只祈求自己可以至少拿个第三级回来就好了。

자기가 부족한 게 너무 많아서 

앞날에 많이 공부하고 연습을 할게
   

더 더 더 열심히 하면 잘 될거죠?

hard work, paid off.

stacks of notes, stacks of books and stacks of past year papers. 

a level, of course i wouldn't say its the most difficult pre-university program as i did not experience the struggle of other programmes. however, it is obviously not easy, like it is really NOT. been through so many sleepless night worrying about exams or even small tests. surrounding myself with tons of past year papers from 2002 to 2016, forcing myself to finish at least 80% of the topical past year papers and complete by year past year papers from 2010 to 2016 in just 5 months. the A2 syllabus has become much more complex and detailed compared to AS level, everything we learnt were mostly new which made my life harder. but honestly, i truly enjoyed our syllabus especially biology, except the fact that i need to crack my head memorising those difficult terms, facts and detailed cycles.

i remember the expressions we said the most throughout our a level journey were

"is it too late to drop a level?"

"why did i join a level?"

"i am so stupid"

"lets just work in alam flora if we failed a level"

"stressssssssssssss......"

"cherrrr, how to do?"

"aHHHHHHHH, i wanna die"

yeap, that's basically our daily conversations. 

its a difficult yet beautiful journey. 

it is painful yet at the end of the journey, everyone did not regret.

we are not afraid of facing our results but we are afraid of facing disappointment. i believe everyone strive our best, did our best, went through so many late night studies, went through countless mental breakdowns or even feel like giving up at some point. knowing that i tried my best for a level, what if the results i get in the end is still a disappointment just like my mocks exam. 

fortunately, everything went well.

i was extremely worried about biology as i desire to do biological sciences for my bachelor's degree but A2 biology paper 4 was so bad, i still remember i was near to tearing up during the paper. unexpected questions, high order thinking questions, everything comes at once. i was not confident at all, but thankfully, i managed to hit the A* with 93 marks. i mean, whats make once more happy than achieving the unexpected. chemistry — being the most disliked subject that i did not want to enrol in from the beginning, i tried my best to understand in concepts and apply. chemistry is still kinda like a meh subject to me, but still i have to do my best if i am doing it. 91, A* for chemistry, it is something that i have NEVER EVER thought of since i was always sleepy in chemistry lessons, always not paying attention. i wouldn't say i am not happy with my maths, 85 with an A, but sort of disappointed and feel sorry to my maths lecturer. 

ah, and this is the first straight As in my life. i finally broke the curse of getting a B in all my important exams. (i am honestly so happy about it, not trying to boost or whatsoever so i am just really really happy for myself) 

✈            to more adventures.